THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES

THE HOBBIT… THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES. 2014. DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN. STARRING CHRISTOPHER LEE, SIR IAN MCKELLEN, BILLY CONNOLLY, STEPHEN FRY, HUGO WEAVING, CATE BLANCHETT, JAMES NESBITT, KEN STOTT AND ORLANDO BLOOM. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES

THE HOBBIT… THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES. 2014. DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON. STARRING CHRISTOPHER LEE, SIR IAN MCKELLEN, RICHARD ARMITAGE, LEE PACE, LUKE EVANS, BILLY CONNOLLY, STEPHEN FRY, HUGO WEAVING, CATE BLANCHETT, JAMES NESBITT, KEN STOTT, IAN HOLM, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, DEAN O’GORMAN, AIDAN TURNER AND ORLANDO BLOOM. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Well, it’s finally over. Sob. Sniffle. Sigh. Back in the early ‘Noughties, we had the brilliant THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy in the cinema for three consecutive Christmases. Roughly a decade later came the news that we were being treated to a second trilogy, this time a prequel to the films that came before… THE HOBBIT, to be precise, in three parts. Oh, happy days!

The first instalment, AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY, is a worthy addition to the RINGS canon, in my humble opinion, though naturally no film could ever eclipse the breath-taking brilliance of the original trilogy. The second offering, THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG, is slightly less worthy, I feel, and by far my least favourite of all six films.

In Part Three, THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES, the franchise finds its way again, though no doubt there are RINGS nerds online at this very moment picking holes in the plot- there are a few holes, admittedly- and complaining about storylines that don’t get wrapped up quite as neatly as in the original trilogy. Plot-holes and incomplete storylines notwithstanding, I  stiIl found it a cracking little belter of an action movie, however.

The action in this film centres around the humongous mountain which was formerly the abode of the now deceased Smaug, the titular dragon of the second film. Smaug’s death is hilarious, incidentally. (Ooops, sorry! Spoiler alert…) Basically, he spends so much time gloating and boasting about how he’s, in effect, unkill-able, that the handsome Bard has ample time to line up the shot that slays him. I love that bit.

Anyway, Thorin Oakenshield, the head of the Dwarfs, has holed up under the mountain with his band of merry men because the mountain is home to Smaug’s immense stores of gold. Access to such a vast amount of wealth has turned Thorin a little weird. Well, frankly, he’s now bats, to the point where his followers, including the brave little Hobbit Bilbo Baggins, are seriously worried about him.

Outside the mountain, there’s big trouble a-brewing. An army of Elves, led by Legolas’ handsome Pops Thranduil astride a truly kick-ass Super-Moose, think they too are entitled to a share of the loot, a cache of white gems in particular. Thorin refuses to divvy up the spoils. He has bigger problems than Old Pointy-Ears and his gang of elegant and golden-haired fairies.

Azog, the leader of some of the ugliest Orcs you’ll ever have the good fortune to meet- yes, I said good, I love the Orcs!- has it in for the Dwarfs big-style. He wants to wipe them off the face of the earth, preferably in the bloodiest way possible. The various armies mass around the mountain and some pretty serious shit starts going down. Though no cinematic skirmish could ever equal The Battle Of Helm’s Deep in THE TWO TOWERS, it’s a pretty good bust-up all the same.

Dwarfs Fili and the sex-on-short-Hobbit-legs Kili bite the dust in scenes reminiscent of the death of Bambi’s mammy. The beautiful Elf-girl Tauriel learns a painful lesson about love when she sees her admirer Kili slaughtered. Gandalf spends a lot of time whizzing around the gaff being, well, Gandalf. Probably the most effective scenes in the film are the ones in which Thorin and Azog engage in hand-to-hand combat, with dirty fighter Azog armed with half a building for a mace. The devastating clash leaves them both permanently short of breath, if you know what I mean… (Ooops, spoiler alert mark two…!)

Billy Connolly pops up as a Dwarf relative of Thorin’s who’s decided to rock up with his own little army to tell the Elves to kindly ‘bugger off’ out of it, which is quite funny. Emotions bubble over and tears threaten as Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, takes his leave of the Dwarfs at the end of all the shenanigans and toddles off back to Bag-End with a pretty little trinket in his pocket, a trinket we’ve already gotten to know rather intimately in the first trilogy, nudge nudge, wink wink…

The legendary Christopher Lee, now in his nineties, has his final outing as Saruman, an outing made all the more poignant in view of the great actor’s advanced years and his heavy involvement in the original trilogy. The trolls and Orcs are hideously terrifying as always, and Bilbo’s hairy Hobbit-feet have, frankly, never been hairier.

We could talk forever about all six films, but unfortunately time- and space- is short. I’ll finish by saying goodbye. Goodbye to the Ring, goodbye to the Shires, goodbye to the Hobbits. I’ll never forget you all. You were brilliant. Oh Christ, I’m tearing up. Now, where the hell did I put those bloody tissues…?

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

frozen-disney-wallpaper-ipad-wallpaper-disney-frozen-princess-wallpaper-wide-or-hd-cartoons-wallpapers-image

FROZEN. 2013. PRODUCED BY WALT DISNEY ANIMATION STUDIOS. STARRING THE VOICES OF IDINA MENZEL AND KRISTEN BELL. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

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FROZEN. 2013. PRODUCED BY WALT DISNEY ANIMATION STUDIOS. STARRING THE VOICES OF IDINA MENZEL AND KRISTEN BELL. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

FROZEN is a gorgeous little film. You’d have to have a heart of snow and ice- snigger- not to be utterly captivated by it. This animated Disney movie, based on the tale THE SNOW QUEEN by world-renowned Danish childrens’ author Hans Christian Andersen, tells the story of the enchantingly beautiful Elsa and her sister Anna. Elsa succeeds to the throne of the fictional kingdom of Arendelle when both their parents are tragically lost at sea.

Poor Queen Elsa has a dark secret that only her parents have ever been aware of. The secret comes out in style on the day of her coronation. When Elsa’s younger sister Anna, a feisty brunette, tells her that she wants to marry Prince Hans of the Southern Isles, a young man whom she only met that very day, Elsa flips out and turns the kingdom of Arendelle into a frozen wasteland and then runs off. As you do…

Yep, that’s right. Elsa has the power to turn everything she touches into ice and snow. Growing up, she kept her frosty powers a secret from Anna by segregating herself from her bewildered- and hurt- younger sibling. But now the cat is well and truly out of the bag, and there ain’t no squeezing it back in again…

Devoted sister Anna sets off after Elsa immediately. She’s not hard to find because she’s left a trail of slippery, slide-y, crunchy, crispy snow and ice behind her. Anna collects a raggle-taggle motley crew of companions along the way. These include the burly Kristoff, who sells ice for a living and owns a loyal reindeer called Sven, and Olaf, the most adorable all-singing, all-dancing little snowman you could ever hope to meet in a month of Sundays.

Kristoff’s a single guy whom his family of trolls- yep, trolls- believe needs to get fixed up with a lady ASAP. They reckon Anna’s a pretty nifty choice but, sadly, Anna’s engaged to Hans. Olaf’s greatest wish is to experience all the joys and delights of summer, if you can believe that, but neither Anna nor Kristoff have the heart to put him straight… Awww…

When the little party of four finally catch up with Elsa in her forbidding palace of ice and snow, a showdown between the two sisters results in Anna being accidentally ‘frozen’ in the heart by the panicked young Queen, who just wants to be left alone so that she can’t hurt anyone. Oh, the irony…

According to Kristoff’s trolls, who are love experts- don’t question it, okay…? It’s a movie…- only an act of true love can unfreeze poor Anna’s ticker and save her from dying. Thinking that a snog from her fiancé Hans will do the trick, Anna is shocked to her core to discover that Hans is not the honourable man he appears to be…

It seems that the two-faced Hans only became engaged to Anna because he had his beady eye on the throne of Arendelle and he thought that Anna would be a handy little stepping-stone on his way up to it. Hans leaves Anna for dead and tells everyone that he married her just before she expired, so now he’s a bona fide member of the Arendelle Royal Family. The cheeky little sod…!

Hans, believing Anna to be dead, then attempts to kill Elsa so that the crown can be all his, but Anna steps between the pair and takes the blow intended for Big Sis. This one pure, unselfish act of true love is all that is needed to unfreeze Anna’s heart. The sisters are re-united and Queen Elsa kindly defrosts the frozen kingdom of Arendelle. Needless to say, the townspeople are thrilled skinny to have their summer back.

Anna then realises that it is Kristoff and not the odious Hans with whom her destiny is entwined, and dear little Olaf gets his own personal overhead snowstorm courtesy of Elsa to prevent him from becoming a p… a p… a p… Oh God. I can’t say it. Oh, all right. I’ll say it quickly. A p…p…puddle…!

Hans gets banged up for his crimes and Elsa works out that she can live a relatively normal life as long as she’s careful and just, well, chills a little. Groan… Yes, I went there. I totally went there…

There’s a lot of humour in the film and the songs are fantastic. The famous LET IT GO even beat U2’s ORDINARY LOVE from the film about Nelson Mandela, THE LONG WALK TO FREEDOM, to the 2014 Oscar for Best Original Song. That’s not FROZEN’s only Oscar, of course, as it also picked up the gong for Best Animated Feature Film.

You seriously need to watch this film. It’ll give you a lovely warm glow inside, and which of us doesn’t need that? And don’t forget to sing along good and loud to the excellent soundtrack. Nothing unites a roomful of adults faster than warbling LET IT GO out of tune at the tops of their voices at a works Christmas do with mouths full of mince pies and Cadbury’s ROSES. I should know. I did it today. And, with any luck, I’ll happily do it again next year.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

theentity16

THE ENTITY. 1982. DIRECTED BY SIDNEY FURIE. STARRING BARBARA HERSHEY. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

theentity16

THE ENTITY. 1981. DIRECTED BY SIDNEY FURIE. STARRING BARBARA HERSHEY. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I love the little bit of text at the end of some films that tells you what happened to the protagonists after the credits stopped rolling. I nearly died when I read at the end of THE ENTITY that the film was based on true events and that for Carla Moran, the woman at the centre of the story, the nightmare didn’t end when the movie did… Wow. Seriously…? Man, that is messed-up…

Carla Moran is an ordinary single mom of three in ‘Seventies America who is raped repeatedly by a ghost. Yep, that’s right. A ghost. Her little house is haunted by an ‘entity’ that holds her down on her bed and in her bathroom and commits serious sexual battery on her, crazy as that sounds.

Her psychologist, the hirsute Dr. Schneiderman, thinks that the problem lies in Carla’s mind and that old traumas from her past are manifesting themselves now in the form of ghostly attacks that leave real bruises and real chaos behind them.

Carla disagrees with cuddly, kindly Dr. Schneiderman’s diagnosis, however. She believes that the entity is real, very real, and so does parapsychologist Dr. Elizabeth Cooley and her little band of ghostbusters. They set up camp in Carla’s home and witness first-hand irrefutable evidence that the house is possessed. They concoct a mad plan to trap the entity and freeze the bejeesus out of it with liquid helium, the coldest substance known to man.

In order to do this, they recreate a facsimile of Carla’s home in their laboratory and use Carla to lure the entity there. Personally, I kind of feel that the film, which was brilliant and terrifying up to this point, falls apart round about here. The scenes in Carla’s real bedroom and bathroom are genuinely atmospheric and frightening. The banging, clanging musical score that is used to accompany these scenes is spot-on, too.

The scenes in the laboratory just don’t have the same scary atmosphere. Also, it’s a pretty stupid entity that can’t tell the difference between someone’s home and a controlled scientific environment designed solely to trap him. What a schmuck, eh…?

I didn’t entirely follow the ending. The experiment appears to be working at first, but it looks like it ultimately fails as the end of the film sees Barbara Hershey, who’s excellent in this, by the way, returning to her house and being greeted by the voice of the entity welcoming her home… Creepy stuff indeed.

According to the text at the end of the film, the film was not only based on true events but the demonic sexual assaults to which Carla Moran was subjected continued at least until the film was made some years afterwards. It boggles the mind, doesn’t it? Ghost-sex is freaky enough but ghost-rape…? That’s something else again.

It’s a great little horror film, though, even if the second hour doesn’t quite measure up to the first for sheer, heart-stopping terror. It brings the idea of things that go bump in the night to a whole new level. Ghost-sex, though…? I suppose it could come in handy if you haven’t been laid in a while.

I’m not sure I’d fancy it myself, though. It’s hard enough to get a human male to remember to call you after you’ve had sex, but a ghost…? You’d have no chance. He’d have hauled his sorry ectoplasmic ass the hell out of Dodge before you could say: “So, when can I see you again…?” I’ll stick to live guys, thanks very much. They may not always be perfect but at least they’re slightly easier to track down when you’re filling out those all-important child support forms…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

dracula barbara shelley

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA… PART 45. AN EROTIC HORROR TALE BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

dracula barbara shelley

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA. PART 45. AN EROTIC HORROR TALE BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

“Oh Master, we love you so much, whip us harder, please!” cried Georgiana, one of the curviest and most beautiful of all the nude handmaidens, as Count Dracula serviced her fiercely from behind. He thrust rapidly in and out of her tight womanly parts, all the while whipping her naked body and the naked bodies of the two handmaidens on either side of her. All three handmaidens knelt up on the huge four-poster bed on all fours according to his instructions while he whipped and serviced each of them in turn.

Since hearing from his servant Gloria that Valeria, chief amongst his handmaidens, had aided and abetted Lady Anna in her stubborn quest to slip out of the castle at night and seek fresh blood, his wrath had been boundless. Unable to trust himself around Anna for fear that he might destroy her forever, he was keeping her locked in her bedroom at the top of the castle with only a slyly triumphant Gloria to see to her needs and wants.

Valeria had been banished to the castle dungeons until he had decided on her punishment for betraying him. If she had been male, he would have annihilated her by now, but Valeria had served him well for a long time now. Besides, she might still have her uses and therefore he had resolved to hold his fire until his temper had cooled somewhat.

In the meantime, he had been venting his awful wrath on the nude handmaidens, each of whom were only too glad to have his attention focused on them. All beautiful, submissive and deeply masochistic, they took every punishment he meted out to them and begged for more. Now, Count Dracula withdrew his erect member from Georgiana’s warm, moist sex and growled to the vampires on either side of her:

“Shackle her wrists and ankles to the bedposts. Now!”

Lilith and Grace hastened to obey his instructions. When a panting and eager Georgiana was spread-eagled on the bed with her wrists fastened to her ankles and her ankles tied to the bedpost, Dracula looked down with satisfaction at her gaping, glistening sex, wide-open for his pleasure.

BITCH! FILTHY WHORE! LIAR! JEZEBEL! TRAITOR!” he roared down at her as he entered her once again, even more fiercely than before. Georgiana’s enormous creamy breasts jiggled and bounced with every inward-thrusting movement he made. Georgiana moaned out loud as Lilith and Grace each bent their heads to her breasts, Lilith to the left one and Grace to the right. They took her nipples into their mouths and sucked on them while Dracula continued to penetrate her, so deeply she felt like he was invading the innermost recesses of her body.

Georgiana screamed in abandon as his thrusts lifted her up off the bed. Then, removing his organ from her body once more, he pulled Lilith off of Georgiana’s breast and pushed her face-down on the bed. He began immediately to insert his swollen, iron-hard member up in between her buttocks.

Lilith howled in pain at the introduction of the immense foreign body into her tightly resisting bottom, then she howled all the louder when the Count picked up his whip and began to lash her about her back and buttocks with it. Meanwhile, Grace placed her mouth over Georgiana’s sex and brought her to an almost instantaneous climax with her tongue.

As Count Dracula prepared to attain his own powerful climax, the door to the bedroom burst open violently and a dark-haired, stockily-built man of about thirty-five strode arrogantly into the room, followed by a breathless Gloria, who panted:

“Forgive me, Master! I could not stop him. He pushed past me. Forgive me, Master! Please forgive me!” The man pushed her roughly aside so that she fell to the floor, then he surveyed the scene before him contemptuously. The three nude handmaidens all cowered before the terrible wrath on Count Dracula’s face.

“Well, well,” sneered Nicholas Finch, the man known to the English press only as The Bloodsucker. “How very touching. My brother the whoremaster, at play with his little harem. Dismiss your whores, big brother,” he added savagely. “Unless I’m much mistaken, you and I have much to discuss…”

This story is a work of fiction and comes (almost!) entirely from the imagination of Sandra Harris. Any resemblance to any persons living or un-dead is purely coincidental.

This story is copyrighted material and any reproduction without prior permission is illegal. Sandra Harris reserves the right to be identified as the author of this story.

Sandra Harris. ©

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

open1

OPEN YOUR EYES/ABRE LOS OJOS. 1997. DIRECTED BY ALEJANDRO AMENABAR. STARRING PENELOPE CRUZ AND EDUARDO NORIEGA. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

open1

OPEN YOUR EYES/ABRE LOS OJOS. 1997. DIRECTED BY ALEJANDRO AMENABAR. STARRING PENELOPE CRUZ AND EDUARDO NORIEGA. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I adore this film, a Spanish language movie which gives us a clever, stylish blend of fantasy, science fiction and horror. I also love the Tom Cruise remake, VANILLA SKY (2001). This film in both its forms, quite simply, can do no wrong in my eyes. Or should I say, my ojos…

Cesar is a guy who has it all. He inherited a chain of restaurants when his parents died, so he’s super-rich. He’s super-hot too, and women swarm round him like flies. On his twenty-fifth birthday, he is introduced to Sofia, the woman of his dreams, by his best friend Pelayo. Cesar and Sofia are instantly attracted to each other, much to the dismay of poor Pelayo. The infatuated pair spend a sexless but crucially memorable night together. So far so good, right…? Maybe. We’ll see…

As he leaves Sofia’s apartment the morning after the party, Cesar is walking on air. He accepts a lift and an offer of sex from Nuria, a woman who is in love with Cesar to the point of obsession. Gutted that he only sees her- and treats her- as an easy lay, she crashes the car with Cesar in it. Nuria dies, and Cesar is left horribly disfigured. Reap what you sow, eh…?

After the crash, a badly shaken Cesar tries to pick up where he left off with Sofia and Pelayo, but both his dream girl and his bezzie mate are now desperately uncomfortable around him. After a disastrous night out with the pair of them, a stinking drunk Cesar collapses in the gutter, his life in shreds and his spirit broken.

When he wakes up the next morning, however, it’s a strangely different story. Sofia inexplicably takes him back. The doctors fix his battered face, restoring his former good looks right down to the last detail. The three friends all hang out together and life, for the moment, is sweet. For the moment…

Then, Cesar’s life begins slowly to take on a nightmarish quality. The dead Nuria makes a horrible comeback and everyone in Cesar’s life thinks he’s nuts when he tries to tell them that Nuria has now usurped Sofia’s place. His face is disfigured again and a strange man appears to be following Cesar around. Nuria suddenly becomes Sofia again and so Cesar and his newly-returned dream girl make violent love. When Sofia turns back into Nuria, however, right in the middle of the sex act, a bewildered Cesar murders her.

He runs away from the scene of the crime. We see him then in a psychiatric prison cell, trying to explain his bizarre story to a sympathetic head-shrink. Then, out of the blue, a television advertisement miraculously gives Cesar the key with which to unlock his seriously messed-up life.

What is it…? And why did Cesar’s dream life, a life some people would kill for, suddenly turn to shit? What’s the explanation? I can’t tell you that. Reviewer’s code and all that. No spoilers. No major ones, anyway. But I would advise you to watch this film. This and the remake are two of my favourite movies of all time. When I watched the remake with my own bezzie mate, she famously remarked beforehand: “This film had better not have any flashbacks, dream sequences, fantasies or coma sequences in it…” I’ll say no more…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

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FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR… BY SANDRA HARRIS.

Originally posted on sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris:

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A veritable lucky dip of horror movie reviews, covering everything from old favourites and iconic titles to obscure and forgotten horror films and cult classics. Do you dare dip YOUR hand into this mystery bag of evil, demonic possession and bone-chilling terror…? You do…? Then on your own head be it… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The…

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FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE… BY SANDRA HARRIS.

Originally posted on sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris:

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A collection of short, rude funny sex-poems. No stone left unturned in this hilariously bitchy and wickedly honest look at sex today. No, that’s it, nothing else. Just sex. Well, maybe a few bizarre fetishes, but that’s still just sex, isn’t it…? We’ll go with sex. Let’s just say sex. This book is about sex. It’s a sex-book…!

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine…

View original 140 more words