FRIDAY THE 13TH. (2009) BASED ON CHARACTERS CREATED BY VICTOR MILLER. CO-PRODUCED BY MICHAEL BAY. DIRECTED BY MARCUS NISPEL.
STARRING JARED PADALECKI, AMANDA RIGHETTI, TRAVIS VAN WINKLE, DANIELLE PANABAKER, AARON YOO, DEREK MEARS AND NANA VISITOR.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
This isn’t so much a re-make as a re-boot of the FRIDAY THE 13TH film series, which kicked off in 1980 with one of the best and most atmospheric slasher movies ever made. The bits at the end with Mrs. Voorhees in ’em still give me the creeps to this day.
This modern re-imagining is the twelfth instalment in the franchise and one of the most commercially successful, which must have been surprising to those uppity film critics who gave it negative reviews…! Though naturally it’s not a patch on the original movie, I liked this film version.
It’s not an exact re-telling of the original story but it has horny teens being horribly butchered in it, so what’s not to like? In actual fact, the story, which starts with a flashback to Mrs. Voorhees’ death by decapitation, takes place in the woods around the old site of Camp Crystal Lake.
The woods are still very much haunted by the ghost of Jason Voorhees many years after he drowned in the lake due to the negligence of camp counsellors who- you guessed it- were having sex instead of doing their job. Damned horny teens, always having sex…!
Anyway, in this instance we have a bunch of horny, weed-smoking teens coming to Jason’s woods for the primo weed they expect to find growing there. Jason does what Jason does best and gives ’em what for, then a few weeks later the brother of one of the missing-presumed-gruesomely-murdered girls turns up at Crystal Lake searching for his sister.
The brother, a handsome, strong-jawed type called Clay, finds an unexpected ally in Jenna, the pretty girlfriend of a real jerk-off called Trent, who’s invited a bunch of his friends (all horny teens) to his family’s summer cabin on the shores of Crystal Lake. Big mistake, boyo.
Jason obviously doesn’t like Trent and his awful druggie friends any more than we do because he lays into them with a bloody vengeance, and I do mean with a vengeance. Terrible things start to happen to the horny teens while they’re trying to smoke weed and have sex with other girls’ boyfriends (Bree, you dirty slut!) and just generally have a high old time, pun intended, on the shores of good old Crystal Lake.
I won’t describe any of the killings here because you deserve to see them for yourself but some of them are actually delightfully innovative and good gory fun to watch. Jason is a good boy, like his contemporary Michael Myers, and always shows his work.
The display he puts on around Crystal Lake of murdered teens is worthy of an A+, in my humble opinion, if not extra credit, and he most certainly should proceed to the next grade. I’ve now used up every fact I know about the American school system, so that’s the end of that train of thought, haha.
There are plenty of fake bare titties on show and a couple of hilarious sex scenes that are so obviously fake and lacking in sensuality that they wouldn’t turn on even the most sex-starved of individuals. They wouldn’t even arouse the limp wiener of The Man In The Iron Mask, and he’s spent, like, twenty or so years locked up with only rats and hairy turn-keys for company sexually.
That girl rubbing oil on dem big fake purdy titties to arouse her druggie boyfriend was so unsexy it actually made me laugh out loud, so at least it managed to achieve something, haha.
Those horror movie girls are like annoying clones of each other. All with long hair and denim cut-offs that show way too much butt-cheek for decency, all tanned and waxed to within an inch of their lives and always bitching about not getting any signal on their stupid cellphones.
Goddammit, bitches, can you not go two f***ing days without posting your every f***ing move on social media? No-one will die if you don’t post a picture of the goddamn salad you had for lunch on your Twitter or Facebook pages. Losers, heh-heh-heh.
I loved the scenes in Jason’s creepy, derelict old shack and his shrine to Mommie Dearest, my favourite female character in a horror movie ever, is just brilliant.
If you accept that no re-make, re-boot, re-imagining or re-anything-else will ever equal the original movies because they’re just that good, then you’ll enjoy this film for what it is: a good, solid (and stabby!) contribution to the franchise. And surely any extra helping of Jason Voorhees is better than no more extra helpings at all ever? ‘Nuff said.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens’ fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
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