TWILIGHT 4&5: BREAKING DAWN 1(2011) AND BREAKING DAWN 2 (2012). REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

TWILIGHT 4&5: BREAKING DAWN 1 (2011) AND BREAKING DAWN 2 (2012).
BOTH DIRECTED BY BILL CONDON AND BOTH SCREENPLAYS BY MELISSA ROSENBERG.
STARRING KRISTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, TAYLOR LAUTNER, PETER FACINELLI AND BILLY BURKE.
BASED ON THE BOOKS BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I thoroughly enjoyed both of these instalments of the TWILIGHT movie franchise. Who doesn’t love a comically mismatched wedding (a human female and a vampire male), an hilarious honeymoon where sex with the groom nearly cripples the bride, a pregnancy that makes itself known after just two weeks and a baby that’s practically walking and talking unaided by the time the loved-up couple exit the plane at the end of the honeymoon? And I’m only exaggerating, like, a teensy tiny little bit, you’ll see.

So, to elaborate a tad, Bella Swan, human female of Forks, Washington, recently graduated from high school, is marrying Edward Cullen, local vampire, nicknamed Sparkles by me for What He Does In The Sunlight, the big wuss, lol.

Their families and friends are out in full force to support them, even though Bella’s lovely kind father Charlie, the Sheriff of Forks, has his misgivings, and he doesn’t even know yet that the Cullens are bleedin’ vampires to a man…!

The wedding is a fairy-tale one, with rose petals everywhere and Bella in a beautiful white dress, because she really is still a virgin. The honeymoon is on a gorgeous paradise island which they’ll have to themselves, except for the caretakers. Edward and Bella finally do on the island what they’ve been threatening to do all franchise… have sex…

It seems to go well, but next morning their bedroom is completely trashed and there are big bruises all over Bella, because she’s still only a puny human and Edward is a powerful vampire who, believe it or not, was holding back when he made love to Bella so that he didn’t crush her to death in his manly kung-fu grip or something.

Two weeks later, Bella and Edward have had to dash home because Bella is seemingly pregnant, which all the vampires seem to be shocked at for some reason. Can’t vampires get human females pregnant if they have sex? It’s what seems to have happened, nonetheless, and the Cullen family now have to deal with it.

Giving birth to a vampire’s baby when you’re still a human is a dangerous business and it very nearly kills Bella. Her father Charlie is terrified for her health in general, though he doesn’t know about the baby yet, and her other true love, part-time werewolf Jacob Black- the wolves are the mortal enemies of the vampires- wants to murder Edward for putting the love of both their lives in such mortal danger.

Sparkles has caused this entire ridiculous hoo-ha with his big sparkly willy. Yep, willies- sparkly or not- will do that. Ah, willies, is it? (Read in the style of a grizzly old frontiers-man!) Came across a-couple of ‘em in mah time, up there on Bear Mountain. Mostly bears up there most of the year, don’t usually get no willies no-how, but that one summer, oh, how I seen ‘em…! So many darn willies. The one that got away, even bigger that the two I catched…!

The CGI and special effects around Bella’s physical deterioration are actually superb, although it’s uncomfortable to see her looking like a concentration camp victim. The baby is taking all of Bella’s nutrition- yep, they’ll do that!- and it looks like Bella might genuinely die of starvation when Carlisle, the Cullen family paterfamilias and a doctor of medicine, steps in and feeds Bella a load of human blood just to stop her from dying of hunger.

A sort of Uma-Thurman-in-PULP FICTION situation occurs very dramatically, however, and Edward Cullen’s instantaneous John Travolta-style reaction results in the one thing that Bella has wanted all along, apart from her precious baby… Bella becomes a vampire, and, boy, is there going to be a lot of explaining to do in the Christmas newsletter this year…!

BREAKING DAWN 2 sees the Cullens and the Blacks getting acclimatised to having the new baby around. Bella has named the little girl ‘Renesmee’ in honour of both their mothers. Jacob Black, the part werewolf, has ‘imprinted’ on the baby, which means that he is honour-bound to protect her from all harm for the rest of both their lives. I think it also means that he has to marry her when she’s of an age, which is quite creepy…!

The baby has grown at an unnatural rate, and is practically getting ready to go off to college when word comes that the vampire police, the Volturi, are coming from Italy to kill the baby, as they believe her to be an ‘Immortal’ baby, one that could be a threat to them. She’s not what they think, however, so the Cullens go about amassing ‘witnesses,’ ie, other vampires, to put in a good word for them. For all the good it might do…

The battle itself is great fun. Dakota Fanning as the bitchy Jane, Volturi Queen of Pain, gets knocked on her ass, as does Michael Sheen as Aro, the highly camp leader of this very camp conglomeration of vampires. Bella, the newborn vampire, acquits herself well in her first skirmish and is a fiercely loving and loyal mother to Renesmee.

Rami Malek, who stars as Freddie Mercury in the superb BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (2018), weighs in on the side of the Cullens, as do the werewolves, while Jacob Black heroically guards Renesmee. But, when the dust settles, where will Bella, Edward and Renesmee stand?

I assume the Cullens will continue to stand where they always have, in their beautiful glasshouse in the forest, in a straight line as usual, fully dressed at all times in smart-casual designer clobber. They’re never caught short or taken by surprise or doing anything when Alice has one of her ‘visions,’ which always require immediate action.

No-one’s ever in the toilet, or fiddling around with the fuseboard or doing a Sudoku or anything. I really think they must stand around in a state of suspended animation until Alice comes in and tersely delivers one of her pronouncements, which are never good news. They all look like dolls, action figures that have to be moved into position by the child who owns them. Maybe a child does own them! It would explain a lot.

The entire cast get a shout-out in the end credits while the viewers are free to bawl their eyes out from the very opening bars of Christina Perri’s song, A Thousand Years, which even I, a relative newbie to the franchise, will always now associate with the TWILIGHT movies.

I’ve put the cart before the horse a bit, I know, by watching the films first, but I now intend to read the books as well. I don’t do owt by halves, me. Does that make me a Twilight mom, albeit ten years too late? If it does, it does. Sparkle on, Twilight fans. Sparkle on…  

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:

https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv

Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:

The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:

TWILIGHT 3: ECLIPSE. (2010) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

TWILIGHT 3: ECLIPSE. (2010) DIRECTED BY DAVID SLADE. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
STARRING KIRSTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, TAYLOR LAUTNER, BILLY BURKE, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, DAKOTA FANNING, GIL BIRMINGHAM AND PETER FACINELLI.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I didn’t enjoy watching this third instalment of the vampire romance saga as much as I did the first two films, because there are a whole load of new vampire enemies in it that I just can’t bring myself to give a shit about, if you know what I mean, and I can promise you that I won’t be writing too much about this aspect of the film. I can even break the plot of this third film down into numbered parts for ease of reading, if you like, so clear-cut is it.

1.      Bella Swan, human schoolgirl, adores Edward Cullen, a vampire over a century old who sparkles in the sunlight, goddamn it. ‘Tain’t natural, it just ain’t natural. They are having one of those deathly intense relationships only teenagers can have where they talk about the negatives ad nauseam and only break it up to do a little kissing and necking.

2.      Bella desperately wants Sparkles to ‘turn’ her into a vampire, because, you know, what a great life they lead in the shadows and all that jazz. Sparkles is reluctant to ruin her life by so doing, fair play to him, but, if he must, then he insists on their being properly married first. Old-fashioned, but, I suppose, vaguely commendable.

3.      Bella has to be awkward, of course. She refuses his proposal initially, saying that marriage is only a piece of paper, which doesn’t really fit with what we know of her devotion to Edward and her unwillingness to allow him to continue on life’s journey alone without her. On the other hand, her parents’ marriage has been a bit of a disaster, so maybe that’s what’s influencing her strange decision.

4.      Bella eventually caves in to the idea of marriage. So, now their plan is marriage, sex, then the ‘turning.’ As opposed to sex, the ‘turning’ and no marriage. And the ‘turning,’ followed by ‘let’s see how it goes.’ It’s getting confusing now though, so let’s hope they don’t change the running order of things too many more times…!

5.      Bella has the hots big-time for part-time werewolf, full-time beefcake Jacob Black, played by Taylor Lautner. He doesn’t wear a shirt once in this film, and his exceptional abdominals give even Edward the heebie-jeebies. ‘Doesn’t that guy own a shirt…?’ he asks Bella in a bitchy little girl voice. Threatened, much? Snigger.

6.      Bella also loves Jacob, but she loves Edward more. Both men, including poor Jacob who would do anything for her, are seemingly content to put up with this bullshit. They spend much of this film snickering at each other over who loves her more, or which one would be best for her in the long run.

7.      That would be Jacob, of course. She could marry Jacob and still remain a human girl who can do all of the things a human girl can, and she won’t have to say goodbye forever to her parents or any other loved ones, which she will have to do if she chooses Edward. When. When she chooses Edward, because there’s no question in her mind about it.

8.      There’s one hilarious scene on a snowy mountain-top where Jacob has to save a freezing Bella with his body warmth, something Old Frozen Dick can’t do for her no-how. You know, she should really be naked for this to work, says Jacob slyly, just to rile up the Pale One. And he’s accurate about that as well, it’s medically proven, so yah boo sucks to you, Sparkles! He just has to suck it up, lol.

9.      The movie ends with a long boring battle between the Cullen vampires and a bunch of stupid ‘newborn’ vampires from out-of-town, with the magnificent werewolves of Jacob’s pack weighing in on the side of the Cullens for Bella’s sake.

10.  Bryce Dallas Howard (Aunt Claire from JURASSIC WORLD; the blind girl from THE VILLAGE by M. Night Shomom- Shymom- Shomomolon- by the guy who made SIGNS) stars in this film as the red-headed Victoria, leader of the enemy clan of vampires. Her mate James- mate as in lover, not me old mucker- was killed by Edward in an earlier film, hence her beef with the Cullens.

11.      Dakota Fanning also stars as the bitchy Jane, the Queen of Pain, a member of the Volturi or Vampire Police. Vampire Police, can you imagine? ‘Licence and registration, please, sir,’ and ‘I’m gonna need you to blow into this bag for me, sir…!’

12.      Also, just to mention that the movie touches on the back stories of both Rosalie and Jasper Hale, both mopey Cullens, in this film, but I don’t care enough about either minor character to recount their various histories here. What? They’re boring AF, lol.

13.  The best- and funniest-part of this film is the love rivalry between Jacob and Edward, and the way in which Bella openly encourages this for all she’s worth, the dirty minx!

14.  Stay tuned for my review of the next two films, BREAKING DAWN: PARTS ONE AND TWO, because we’ll be talking about the marriage and the wedding night and the losing, at long last, of Bella’s virginity; one movie-critiquing wag christened ECLIPSE ‘the ongoing saga of the unbroken duck.’ Hilarious. Be there or be, well, somewhere else. But don’t be somewhere else, please. Here’s where the long-awaited deflowering will be discussed in all its bloody glory…

 AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
 
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
  

TWILIGHT 2: NEW MOON. (2009) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA 2: NEW MOON. (2009) DIRECTED BY CHRIS WEITZ. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
STARRING KRISTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, TAYLOR LAUTNER, BILLY BURKE AND PETER FACINELLI.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Well, here we are again. The second instalment of the TWILIGHT saga, that had teenage girls all over the world sobbing uncontrollably at the doomed romance element of it all and longing for their very own sparkly handsome vampire to fly in through their bedroom window and whisk them away to a glamorous new life beyond the clouds, or wherever.

Here we see the intensely miserable and introspective Edward Cullen actually leaving Bella for her own good, and moving somewhere far away from Forks with his vampire family. Not so far that they can’t return en masse at a second’s notice, however, as we see later in the film.

After seeing his wimpy relative Jasper Cullen try to maul Bella for her delicious blood when she gets a paper cut (a paper cut, how lame-o is that!), Edward decides he must leave Bella for her own safety, even though Bella is adamant to the point of downright rudeness that she wants him to stay. And not just stay, but turn her into a vampire as well, so that they can be together forever.

She has an unhealthy level of dependence on him, which the ‘woke’ attitudes of today would frown on. Also, Edward’s not super-keen on the idea of ‘turning’ his little human girlfriend into a vampire.

He says it’s because he wouldn’t wish that kind of soulless existence upon her, but I reckon he just doesn’t want her hanging out of him morning, noon and night, which she certainly would do if she were a vampire like him and could do vampire magic and stuff.

The state of Bella after Edward’s done his runner reminds me of every bad break-up I’ve ever been through, and one bad one in particular. She walks alone in the dangerous, isolated woods where ‘they’ used to walk, no doubt replaying every word he’s ever said to her in her mind. She mopes in her bedroom and stares out her window, literally watching the seasons pass her by, much to her father Charlie’s consternation.

She ignores her school friends and turns herself into a loner. She reminds me of Mrs. Doyle from FATHER TED when she’s being told how much less miserable her tea-making experience can be if she accepts the Tea-Master machine into her life. She doesn’t even need to think about her answer. ‘Maybe I like the misery…!’

When Edward returns to her briefly in order to save her from a dangerous situation, Bella gets a brainwave. So, he’ll come back if she’s in danger, eh? Well then, she’ll put herself in as much danger as she can, then! The stuff she does is highly inadvisable for anyone to copy or try at home.

Not content with accepting a helmet-less ride on the back of a total stranger’s motorbike, she brings some busted-up old motorbikes over to the home of her childhood friend, Jacob Black, and suggests they ‘fix them up together as a project.’

She completely uses Jacob, whom she knows perfectly well is in love with her. When the bikes are ride-able at last, she takes one for a spin, falls off and wallops her unprotected noggin off a rock. I felt sick to my stomach when that happened. All this for a guy, who doesn’t care enough about her to bring him with her when he leaves town! Is he worth dying for then, Bella? Oh wait… yeah, lol.

And the way she strings that poor Jacob Black along is disgraceful. She definitely gets a thrill from his wet shirtlessness, and is delighted to have a handsome black-haired half-naked Native American and part-time werewolf dancing attendance on her now Edward’s fecked off.

However, she has no intention of letting the poor besotted Jacob get past that big sparkly chastity belt round her nether regions, the one that clicked into place without her knowing it and which will only come off when Edward himself removes it.

Naturally, women and girls will approve of Jacob and his half-nekkid gang of lads who run together in a pack and can turn into werewolves at will. I call them ‘The Men who Run Without Shirts.’ Their abdominals are certainly criminally well-defined.

Still, the target audience for the film is teenage girls; it’s only their boyfriends who’ll consider the wolf pack to be as gay as feck. A load of nudie men cavorting in the forest in the rain? Seems kinda gay to me, lol. But Taylor Lautner as Jacob sure is buff; he and the Sparkly One will no doubt exchange a few shots across each other’s bows in due course as rivals for Bella, and won’t she just love that?  

My main takeaway from this film is the worry I feel that any real-life girls or women would be tempted to be as stupidly reckless as Bella is in this movie. She even jumps off an actual effing cliff in the wild hope that Edward’s ghost will jump in and save her.

Moping, ugly-crying, writing bad love poetry and sending endless texts to the errant boyfriend is all perfectly permissible and, indeed, expected, when you break up with your first love, but putting yourself in actual danger for no good reason is a big fat no-no.

I wonder if you could make a film like that today, or would the ‘woke’ brigade put the kybosh on it. I don’t think I need to worry, really. Women and girls today are much too sensible to lose their heads over a few glue-on sparkles and a handful of glitter. Aren’t they…?

PS, this one ends on a big sparkly cliffhanger, but there’s no way on earth that mopey, possessive Bella is going to say no to this. There’ll surely be a big fat sparkler on her ring finger before long…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
 
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
  

TWILIGHT. (2008) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

TWILIGHT. (2008) DIRECTED BY CATHERINE HARDWICKE. BASED ON THE BOOK BY STEPHENIE MEYER.

STARRING KRISTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, BILLY BURKE, TAYLOR LAUTNER AND PETER FACINELLI.

REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

All right, all right, settle down now, class. We’ve all seen the memes. Real vampires don’t sparkle, right? Real vampires are Kiefer Sutherland and the Lost Boys, they’re Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie in THE HUNGER. I could go on.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of our collective systems, today I’d like to address the class on the subject of TWILIGHT, the biggest franchise since Harry Potter and without which there would be no FIFTY SHADES OF GREY franchise, because the FIFTY SHADES books started out as TWILIGHT fan fiction. See?

I for one thoroughly welcomed both TWILIGHT, the films and books they said were for teenage girls, and FIFTY SHADES, the ‘mummy porn’ that middle-aged women could supposedly binge-read in perfect privacy on their kindles, like a bunch of sex-hungry, well, mummies. It was about bloody time the film and book industries did something for the female sex!

TWILIGHT (2008) is the first film in the TWILIGHT saga. It features Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a seventeen-year-old schoolgirl who got in one little fight and her mom got scared and now she’s moving with her auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

No, wait, that was totally Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Bella Swan is actually moving in with her sheriff dad Charlie in Forks, a small photogenic town in Washington, after living with her flighty mom in Phoenix, Arizona. Forks has the most fabulous rainy woods, rivers and mountains and is gorgeous to look at, but Bella, shy and not too ugly herself, isn’t looking at the scenery.

She’s way too busy falling head-over-heels in love with a boy-man at her school, Edward Cullen, a member of the mysterious and pale-faced Cullen family. It takes Bella a little while to work out what we all kind of suspected, back in the day. He’s deathly pale and his skin feels freezing cold to the touch. She’s never seen him eat, and he’s unnaturally fast and strong, even saving Bella’s life in a car accident once with his pure-quick-wittedness and the strength of ten men.

So, what else could he be but… a fortune-telling raccoon with a musical ear and the power to see into the future. . .? No, no and no. He’s a deeply introspective vampire, ‘turned’ by his foster father Carlisle Cullen during the Spanish Influenza Outbreak of 1918. Now he lives with his rich immortal father, just mentioned here, and his rich immortal family in their fabulous glass house high up in the drenched and dripping woods of Forks.

Bella is willing to do anything to get Edward to stay with her forever. Edward isn’t so sure. He gets all mealy-mouthed and says things like, But, I’d only hurt you! And Bella just gets all carried away, saying to the shocked Edward, oh, but I’d really love that, bring it on! And Edward says, well, you must be crazy, missus, but if that’s what you really want, who am I to argue?

So they become the school’s hottest new couple, much to the concern of Edward’s family. They’ve survived this long only by keeping their deadly secret from the humans amongst whom they live and mix daily. If Bella leaks this secret, she will not only endanger all of them but she will be the biggest blabbermouth since Kat Slater from EastEnders. She knows what she did. (‘I’m your muvver, Zoe…!’)

Anyway, Bella goes to the home of the Cullens at Edward’s request and is welcomed by them as cordially as if she were a vegetarian hot dog on a stick. Yes, the Cullens are ‘veggie’ vampires, only drinking the blood of animals, as opposed to whatever’s been murdering and mutilating random people in the town of Forks.

It wouldn’t be the three weirdos who’ve just crashed the Cullens’ lame-o baseball game, could it? And, if they do happen to like the taste of human blood and flesh, has Edward just put the still human Bella in the greatest danger since a bunch of toffee-nosed English chaps decided amongst themselves that that nasty little commoner Hitler was in fact ‘all talk’…?

Now, for homework, class, please discuss the following, giving arguments for and against:

1. Does Edward Cullen exercise the kind of coercive control over schoolgirl Bella Swan that has recently put Welsh footballer Ryan Giggs in a court of law fighting for his reputation…?
2. Why do you think Bella Swan is so willing to give up everything for the love of this sparkly teenage boy? Is she suffering from extremely low self-esteem, and from where might she have obtained the notion that she, Bella, is a sack of shit, whereas Edward is a total prize…?
3. Why did I completely forget to mention Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black, Bella’s forgettable old friend whom even Bella has trouble remembering?

One more thing before you go. Jackson Rathbone, who plays the vampire Jasper, is in fact distantly related to British acting legend, Basil SHERLOCK HOLMES Rathbone. There’s the bell, make sure you bring in NEW MOON, the second book in the TWILIGHT saga, with you tomorrow. If we’ve literally nothing else to do, we might have a browse through it. Good afternoon to you all now. No running in the corridor, Matthews, you little shit! Christ, where did I leave my fags?

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:

https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv

Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:

The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/

FANGS AND FOREPLAY… THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF DRACULA: THE TRANSYLVANIA YEARS. BOOK 5- PART 20. BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

INTRODUCTION TO BOOK 5.

The year is 1891, and Count Dracula and his sex-and-spanking-crazed harem of beautiful handmaidens are still camped out in Dracula’s ancestral castle in Transylvania. Dracula’s brother Vladimir’s head currently adorns a spike on the castle battlements. His brother Nikolai’s head, while for the moment still attached to his shoulders, is filled with resentment for Dracula and a continuing desire to depose him as head of the family.

Dracula’s beautiful wife Anna and his demanding mistress –– and cousin –– Carmilla are each jockeying for position as his Number One squeeze, and he has two newly-acquired sons he doesn’t have a clue what to do with.

Meanwhile, the genteel young ladies of the nearby Miss Peabody’s Exclusive Academy For The Education And Refinement Of The Daughters Of Gentlefolks are all still waiting impatiently for Dracula to fly through their bedroom windows at midnight, to endow upon them the sexual awakening of a lifetime and an introduction into Dracula’s twilight world of pleasure deliciously commingled with pain.

Add to this his domineering mother, his four sex-mad sisters, his temperamental nude handmaidens and a cartload or two of angry villagers, and you might just have an idea of why, for this year at least, Dracula’s dance-card is fully filled out…

This book, as all the ‘ANNA’ books are, is based on characters created by fellow Irish authors Bram Stoker and Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, and is dedicated with much love to the late Sir Christopher Lee, whose performances in the HAMMER ‘Dracula’ films inspired every word of it. May he rest in peace… until he rises once more from the crypt in which he rests…

FANGS AND FOREPLAY… THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF DRACULA: THE TRANSYLVANIA YEARS. BOOK 5- PART 20.

AN EROTIC HORROR NOVEL BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Dracula unlocked the heavy wooden door to one of his private tower rooms and stepped inside, excitement building up inside him as he contemplated the seduction that lay ahead. The bedchamber’s sole resident was seated at the dressing-table, brushing her long blonde hair and admiring her reflection in the mirror. She turned when she sensed him behind her and said, her voice trembling: ‘I’ve been waiting for you, Count Dracula. Where have you been?’

‘Well, well, Mrs. Vanessa Wintergreen, I trust I find you well?’ he said, ignoring her question. If he didn’t answer to his wife Anna or his mistress Carmilla, then he certainly didn’t answer to his latest floozy, who after all might not even last very long. His whores often didn’t. Accidents and other unfortunate incidents kept befalling them.

Why, one of his very favourite conquests, a Lady Victoria Strauss, had been beheaded in his English stronghold of Birney Castle by a member of his own household. He had never found out exactly who the culprit had been, though he had his suspicions. Oh well. Easy come, easy go. The world was full of beautiful women, and fortunately there was plenty of Count Dracula to go around.

‘Come here, wench,’ he added. ‘Let me look at you. I too have been eagerly awaiting this opportunity of renewing our short acquaintance.’

She came and stood in front of him. He looked her over approvingly from his vastly superior height of six foot five. What a prime piece of female flesh he had in his possession now, by Jove! The former lawfully wedded wife of the oh-so-English businessman Edward Wintergreen, late of Windsor Grove, Chelsea, had scrubbed up quite nicely, quite nicely indeed.

She was trim of waist and full of bust, a combination Dracula always admired in a woman. Said bust was white as the breast of a dove and big stiff nipples showed brazenly through the pale shift she wore to cover her nakedness. Not that she’d be wearing it for long. He reached over and casually ripped the garment from her luscious body.

He gasped at the sight of her bare breasts, even lovelier in the flesh than they had been in his imagination. Her belly was softly rounded and her pubic thatch thick and a somewhat darker blonde than the hair on her head.

She was not a virgin, sadly; Edward Wintergreen had deflowered her on their wedding night some months previously. Dracula loved a virgin. So tight of pussy, so juicy, so… virginal. However, Vanessa Wintergreen was comely enough to have attracted his attention even without the presence of an intact hymen.

‘Has Brunhilde been adequately seeing to your, ah, needs, my dear?’

She had the grace to blush. Brunhilde, a tall, statuesque handmaiden from Bavaria with knee-length blonde plaits of hair, had been assigned by Dracula to assist Vanessa during the period of her ‘turning,’ her ‘turning’ from a human female to a vampire one.

It had taken several days, rather unpleasant days during which the sudden thirst for blood had taken her over completely. Dracula kept well out of the way when one of his handmaidens was going through her ‘turning.’

It was as tiresome as those monthly inconveniences from which women of childbearing age routinely suffered, inconveniences which made them ill-tempered and frowsy-looking for the duration. A man was much better off out of it, all things considered.

He would not make love to a new handmaiden himself until she was fully ‘turned,’ but he encouraged his other handmaidens to pleasure the newcomer themselves and in turn be pleasured by her, and all the while he immensely enjoyed the show by means of various peepholes he had had embedded in the bedchamber walls.

When the process of ‘turning’ was completed and the messy bits were dispensed with, then came Dracula’s time to shine… with a cock that would put a horse to shame. He was hugely looking forward to making love to Vanessa again. He had not touched her since the night he had vampirised her personally.

Thanks to her ‘turning,’ all thoughts of her former life as the wife of the rather staid businessman Edward Wintergreen would be banished from her pretty blonde head forever (though it was not unusual for flashbacks to occur), and she would return Dracula’s savage passion with equal ardour. First things first, though.

‘Turn around,’ he said. ‘I want to see your hindquarters.’

He was not disappointed. Her pale bare buttocks were round and full and infinitely spankable. One thing he could not abide in a female was a tendency towards a flat behind. Women were made to be spanked, and caned and whipped and birched and subjected to all manner of delightful thrashings on the backside, to which end a sturdy pair of fleshy haunches was preferable. In a flash, he pushed Vanessa face-down over the edge of the four-poster bed and administered a flurry of light teasing spanks to her upturned derrière.

She squealed in protest- though not too seriously- and squirmed about a bit but, overall, seemed to enjoy the process, just as he’d expected. And the fact of her backside’s now being a rather fetching shade of pink charmed him no end as well. Just wait until he had a chance to use his belt or a whip on her quivering female flesh! He would make those pale globes dance and bounce to his tune all right.

Now was not that time, however. Now was the time for loving, and for renewing their acquaintance. To this end, he undid his trousers and removed his already fully erect member, which he immediately inserted between the lips of her sex.

She cried out in pleasure and begged for more; she, who had been as buttoned-up and restrained as her stiff-upper-lipped English husband when first they had come to Transylvania! What a wanton little wildcat it was now, thought Dracula as he emptied the contents of his heavy man-sac into her welcoming womb with a shout of triumph.

What a slut, what a temptress, what a minx! He had done well to invite the Wintergreens to his castle for the repast that never was. Edward Wintergreen himself had proved an adequate supper for the castle dogs, and his lady wife was pleasing Dracula greatly now as his concubine.

Afterwards, as they lay in bed together, naked, sated- for now- and bathed in sweat, Dracula spoke sternly to her.

‘You will confine yourself to this suite of rooms I have had prepared for you. Under no circumstances is my wife Anna to learn of your existence here. The same goes for my… erm, my esteemed cousin, Carmilla, do you understand? I cannot answer for your safety if either of these two women find out about you. Is that clear, wench?’

‘Jealous, are they?’ said Vanessa, the lightest hint of mocking laughter in her voice. What cared she for wives and cousins? They meant less than nothing to her.

Dracula snorted. ‘You have no idea,’ he said. ‘It’s probably for the best if you steer clear of my mother Ursula as well. She has a low tolerance for what she terms my ‘whores and hussies.’

‘I’d like to see her apply such derogatory terms to me!’ replied his companion indignantly. ‘She might find herself missing her tongue afterwards.’

‘It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you. The only person you have to worry about pleasing is me.’

‘And I do please you, Master, don’t I?’ she murmured in his ear, running her fingers over his stubbly jaw as she did so. He shaved diligently every night when he rose, but such was his masculinity that the strong dark bristles began to push themselves forward again almost immediately.

‘Well, yes, my darling Vanessa,’ he admitted, ‘but the indisputable fact remains that my cock is nonetheless currently going unsucked.’ He quirked an eyebrow at her (eyebrow quirking was a skill of his for which he had won trophies and other accolades) and awaited her response.

‘Forgive me, Master,’ she said as she shimmied down the bed and took his member in her lush red mouth. It was stirring once more and eager for the fray.

‘Mmmmmm.’ Her moan of pleasure was most flattering.

Dracula lay back, his eyes closed and his hands comfortably clasped behind his head. He had a feeling that Vanessa Wintergreen would be an asset to his household. By the time she had expertly extracted the spunk from his man-sac a second time and swallowed it without a word of complaint and, what was more, with every appearance of pleasure, he was positively convinced of it.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

You can contact Sandra at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

FANGS AND FOREPLAY… THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF DRACULA: THE TRANSYLVANIA YEARS. BOOK 5- PART 19. AN EROTIC HORROR NOVEL BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

INTRODUCTION TO BOOK 5.

The year is 1891, and Count Dracula and his sex-and-spanking-crazed harem of beautiful handmaidens are still camped out in Dracula’s ancestral castle in Transylvania. Dracula’s brother Vladimir’s head currently adorns a spike on the castle battlements. His brother Nikolai’s head, while for the moment still attached to his shoulders, is filled with resentment for Dracula and a continuing desire to depose him as head of the family.

Dracula’s beautiful wife Anna and his demanding mistress –– and cousin –– Carmilla are each jockeying for position as his Number One squeeze, and he has two newly-acquired sons he doesn’t have a clue what to do with.

Meanwhile, the genteel young ladies of the nearby Miss Peabody’s Exclusive Academy For The Education And Refinement Of The Daughters Of Gentlefolks are all still waiting impatiently for Dracula to fly through their bedroom windows at midnight, to endow upon them the sexual awakening of a lifetime and an introduction into Dracula’s twilight world of pleasure deliciously commingled with pain.

Add to this his domineering mother, his four sex-mad sisters, his temperamental nude handmaidens and a cartload or two of angry villagers, and you might just have an idea of why, for this year at least, Dracula’s dance-card is fully filled out…

This book, as all the ‘ANNA’ books are, is based on characters created by fellow Irish authors Bram Stoker and Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, and is dedicated with much love to the late Sir Christopher Lee, whose performances in the HAMMER ‘Dracula’ films inspired every word of it. May he rest in peace… until he rises once more from the crypt in which he rests…

FANGS AND FOREPLAY… THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF DRACULA: THE TRANSYLVANIA YEARS. BOOK 5- PART 19.

AN EROTIC HORROR NOVEL BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

(‘Oh Leon!’ Magdalena shook her long hair back over her bare shoulders and waggled her breasts at him. ‘You’ll drive yourself mad thinking like that. There’s no-one to come. I’m telling you, in an enormous country like England, you think someone’s going to notice two poxy posh Britishers who didn’t come back home off their holidays? No-one’s coming, Leon, I tell you. No-one’s going to come.’

‘Well, except me,’ grinned Leon, holding her tightly by the waist as his issue exploded upwards into the welcoming warmth of her pussy.

There, that was enough about the blasted Wintergreens for today, Leon decided, his head now filled with much more luxuriously sensual thoughts. Magdalena was most likely correct in her assumption that there was no-one coming for them, to ask awkward questions and poke about in awkward places, bringing trouble down on the village from Castle Dracula. That had happened before, and no-one from the village had any desire to see it happening again. Magdalena was right, as usual. There was no-one coming.)

Or was there…?

Back home in London, England, Jamison Wintergreen let out a roar of satisfaction as the strength and power of his male organ in the throes of its sexual climax lifted his companion clear off the bed. He felt his life-giving fluid drain from him and into her, and collapsed onto her nude, sweat-slicked body with the distinct feeling of a job well done.

‘Oh Jamie, Jamie, my love! My Jim-Jim, my Jimmy, my own Jamie, you are the greatest, the best, the best who ever lived!’

Jamison grinned as he heaved himself off of her and leaned over to pluck his cigarette case from the bedside table. There was no arguing with her; the woman knew quality when she saw it. He offered her a cigarette, then lit one for each of them when she accepted. Then he lay back on his pillows, smoking intently and staring at a fixed point at the ceiling.

‘Jamie, my darling,’ said Lady Chastity (a misnomer if ever there was one) Belvedere-Wilberforce after a while as she snuggled into his bare chest, ‘why the serious face? Talk to me, my dearest love, my precious lover! What are you thinking?’

‘Did no-one ever teach you never to ask a man that question?’ he said with a lazy grin.

‘I make my own rules,’ she pouted, and Jamison was inclined to believe her.

Chastity Belvedere-Wilberforce was a remarkable woman. Forty-five years of age, she still had the firm, trim figure of a much younger woman, despite having given her husband two children. Jamison put her trimness and youthful vigour down to all the sexual intercourse in which she still engaged, and precious little of it with her husband these days.

Lord Simon Belvedere-Wilberforce wore his crown of cuckold’s horns lightly enough. His own infidelities with serving wenches and other ladies of the lower classes were legendary. He and his lovely red-haired wife (only a touch of henna was necessary to ensure that her long, lustrous locks retained their gorgeously natural red colour) went to balls and parties together occasionally for the sake of appearances, vitally important in their society, but whether or not they finished the night together was an entirely different matter. One encountered such pretty serving wenches, bosomy barmaids and comely ladies of the night whilst one was gadding about town.

‘Seriously though, Jamie dear,’ she said now in her most persuasive tones, ‘you have something ponderous on your mind, do you not? Would you not share it with me, lover, that I might shoulder a little of the burden alongside you? Two heads are better than one, you know.’

‘And a very pretty head it is too,’ he replied, turning towards her to twirl a strand of her long curled locks idly round his fingers.

‘Well, then?’ she said expectantly.

‘I was just thinking about good old Eddie again,’ he said. ‘It’s just that… well, I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks now and I can’t help hoping that he and the little woman are, you know, all right.’

Jamison’s older brother, Edward Wintergreen, a furniture manufacturer, and his newly-married wife Vanessa, had been married in London several months ago. After the wedding, a quiet but tasteful affair, the pair of them had travelled to Europe for a six-month honeymoon tour of the countries there, particularly the Eastern ones. Eddie, dear Eddie, bless him, sent Jamison a letter from every town or city through which they passed. But now, it was long past the time when Jamie should have received another letter, and he was beginning to worry.

‘What on earth possessed them to travel to such far-flung, God-forsaken places anyway?’ asked Lady Chastity, idly stroking his bare arm with her beautifully manicured fingertips. ‘I mean, Europe is Germany, France, Spain and Portugal, isn’t it, and maybe Belgium in a pinch? Why the devil would anyone travel farther afield than that? It beggars belief, you know. It really does. Simon and I went to Ireland on our honeymoon. Dreadful place, even if England does own it. Worse than India, by all accounts. Peasants and poverty and mud everywhere, and no shortage of village sluts to lure Simon away from the marital bed. Dreadful place, truly dreadful.’

Jamison had heard the ‘honeymooning in Ireland’ story before, and he cut across her without a qualm. ‘It was a mad fancy of Eddie’s,’ he said. ‘He’d always wanted to visit that part of Europe, the land of ghouls and hobgoblins, ghosts and phantoms, and the honeymoon was the ideal time to do it. I only hope that one of those phantoms hasn’t caught up with him and made off with him.’

He laughed uneasily. Chastity fondled his neck and face soothingly. ‘How is the factory working out in his absence?’ she asked him.

Jamison sighed. He’d found himself spending far more time there than he’d ever thought he’d have to, simply because there was just so damn much to do. So much for thinking that the bally place ran itself, under the keen eyes of Mr. Metlock and Mr. Travers! The sooner Eddie returned home from his sojourn in the countries of witches and warlocks and freed Jamison up to return to his usual more relaxed pace of life, the better.

‘The thing is,’ he went on absent-mindedly, as if he were talking mostly to himself, ‘if he doesn’t send word soon that he and the new little missus are okay, I’ll have to go over there and get him and bring him back.’

‘No, I absolutely forbid it!’ cried Lady Chastity. ‘My darling Jamie, the very thought of you over there, all alone in that horrid place! No, I shan’t allow it, Besides, however would I manage without you?’

‘Oh, the way you managed perfectly well before I ever came along,’ said Jamie, laughing at her professions of devotion. ‘Why, the first time ever I saw your face, thou hadst a cock in thy slut’s mouth and another in thy cunny! Thou couldst bathe in the spunk that coated thy skin.’

Jamie had fond memories of the aristocratic party at a mutual friend’s house that had turned out to be little more than a naked, drug-fuelled orgy, but a naked, drug-fuelled orgy to which he was invited and at which he had enjoyed considerable success. Amongst the scalps on his belt that memorable night had been Chastity’s.

She flapped at him idly, as if to say, why, the piffling trifles men remember! Then she said: ‘Excuse me a moment, my Jamie, my love. Nature calls.’

She walked nude to the corner of the room, where the chamber-pot resided. She squatted over it in front of him with not a trace of self-consciousness, the sound of her urine splashing into the bowl, and then wiped herself on the cloth provided, before strolling unconcernedly back to the bed. Not one trace of shame did she display, the bold hussy.

Jamison, greatly excited at having witnessed something which women normally kept private from men (What a dirty girl she was! Maybe one day she would permit him to spy on her as she vacated her bowels), urged her to mount his cock, which was good and erect once more. She needed no second asking, but did what she was bid immediately.

‘You’re a dirty, dirty girl, Lady Chastity Belvedere-Wilberforce, has anyone ever told you that?’

‘Many people,’ she teased him, from her exalted position on his cock. ‘But you’re the only one here fucking me right now, so why worry about the others?’

‘Consider them forgotten,’ said Jamie. All thoughts of his dear older brother Eddie and Eddie’s wife Vanessa forgotten also, at least for now, he buckled down and concentrated on the job of pleasing her in earnest.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

You can contact Sandra at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com