bella swan

VAMPIRES SUCK. (2010) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

VAMPIRES SUCK. (2010) DIRECTED BY JASON FRIEDBERG AND AARON SELTZER.
STARRING JENN PROSKE, MATT LANTER, CHRISTOPHER N. RIGGI AND KEN JEONG.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Yee-ikes…!!! This spoof/parody film received some of the worst, lowest-scoring reviews I’ve ever read, which is odd because I genuinely enjoyed it. Mind you, I watched it at exactly the right time for me, which was the week after I’d re-watched all five TWILIGHT movies back-to-back with my daughter, who grew up with them and adored them as both a teenager and an adult. We had great fun re-watching the movies, and I’m even hell-bent on reading all four books now as well, completing my transformation into fully-fledged TWILIGHT mom.

Yes, I can see the ridiculousness of it all; the angsty scenery-chewing of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, the mopey indecision tempered with the crazy stubbornness of Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, and her absolute determination to do what’s bad for her, but you can see all that and still have a laugh at the films. You can see the flaws, yet still enjoy bonding over the movies with a family member for whom HARRY POTTER and TWILIGHT were amongst the biggest things in her childhood.

VAMPIRES SUCK is a direct parody of the first two TWILIGHT films, TWILIGHT and NEW MOON. Jenn Proske as Becca Crane/Bella Swan is hilarious; just the right amount of mopey-ness, indecision, angst, low self-esteem and embarrassing insistence on throwing herself at Edward Sullen/Edward Cullen, well-played by Matt Lanter.

His trademark lovely hair is gigantically high, he still sparkles in the sunlight, he’s deathly pale with silent movie star make-up and burning red eyes and he loves himself more than he could ever love Becca Crane.

Just like in TWILIGHT, Becca and Edward meet when Becca relocates to Sporks to be with her town sheriff Dad, Frank Crane. The kids attend the same high school, and keep catching each other’s eye dramatically across a crowded cafeteria.

It’s not long before the dozey pair are crazy in love with each other and the horny Becca, struggling valiantly against her repressed sexuality, is trying desperately hard to get the pale, bouffant One to lose his own virginity along with hers, but no dice. Sorry, Becca, but he’s wearing ‘a purity ring.’ It’d be easier to separate him from his fangs than his trousers…

Jacob White/Jacob Black is here too as the Native American Indian hottie who turns into a werewolf at will. The rough-housing scene between his wheel-chair-bound father and Becca’s cop father is about the funniest scene in the whole film.

Jacob and Edward are love rivals once more, and Jacob’s confiding in Becca that his contract stipulates shirtlessness every ten minutes of screen time is so funny. Jacob’s abs are top notch as usual and, here as in the real TWILIGHT films, Bella doesn’t love him like she loves Edward, but she’s damn well going to keep him dangling on the end of a string just the same, because he’s gorgeous and he’s devoted to her, and what young lass wouldn’t be flattered by that?

Elsewhere, there’s going to be be a giant vampire-themed prom at school, organised by Becca’s three best pals who look very like the three friends in the original movies, and elsewhere the vampire police, the Zolturi (the Volturi), are baying for Edward’s delicious blood as he’s been exposing himself in the sunshine over at the festival of Saint Salvatore.

Edward, you dirty beast! Put your sparkly willy back in your pants where it belongs this instant! Don’t you point that thing at me. I can still see it, Edward, winking at me! There, that’s better, all tucked away nice and proper-like. Anyway, Edward fights the head of the Zolturi, Daro/Aro, and then asks Becca to marry him. I think that’s about it, really. It’s not CITIZEN KANE, lol.

I love the trio of vampires confused with the Black-Eyed Peas, James, Victoria and Laurent, and the Team Edward and Team Jacob fan-girls. In the original TWILIGHT, thank-yous go out in the credits to the folks who did security during the movie for Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Messrs Pattinson and Lautner must have been proper lurve-gods back in the day.

Can you imagine how many teenage girls would have been trying to get near the two heart-throbs during the making of the films? Trying to get a picture or an autograph, or pinch a lock of hair (doesn’t matter from which end!) or an item of clothing. Tsk tsk, the little harpies!

Anyway, I loved this little spoof fillum, which also parodies other vampire shows BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, TRUE BLOOD and THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, and the following individuals: Lady Gaga, Chris Brown, the Black-Eyed Peas and Tiger Woods the golfer. I don’t believe the film’s title, however, when it says that vampires suck. Vampires don’t suck, they rule. They really, totally do.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
 
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
 

TWILIGHT 3: ECLIPSE. (2010) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

TWILIGHT 3: ECLIPSE. (2010) DIRECTED BY DAVID SLADE. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
STARRING KIRSTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, TAYLOR LAUTNER, BILLY BURKE, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, DAKOTA FANNING, GIL BIRMINGHAM AND PETER FACINELLI.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I didn’t enjoy watching this third instalment of the vampire romance saga as much as I did the first two films, because there are a whole load of new vampire enemies in it that I just can’t bring myself to give a shit about, if you know what I mean, and I can promise you that I won’t be writing too much about this aspect of the film. I can even break the plot of this third film down into numbered parts for ease of reading, if you like, so clear-cut is it.

1.      Bella Swan, human schoolgirl, adores Edward Cullen, a vampire over a century old who sparkles in the sunlight, goddamn it. ‘Tain’t natural, it just ain’t natural. They are having one of those deathly intense relationships only teenagers can have where they talk about the negatives ad nauseam and only break it up to do a little kissing and necking.

2.      Bella desperately wants Sparkles to ‘turn’ her into a vampire, because, you know, what a great life they lead in the shadows and all that jazz. Sparkles is reluctant to ruin her life by so doing, fair play to him, but, if he must, then he insists on their being properly married first. Old-fashioned, but, I suppose, vaguely commendable.

3.      Bella has to be awkward, of course. She refuses his proposal initially, saying that marriage is only a piece of paper, which doesn’t really fit with what we know of her devotion to Edward and her unwillingness to allow him to continue on life’s journey alone without her. On the other hand, her parents’ marriage has been a bit of a disaster, so maybe that’s what’s influencing her strange decision.

4.      Bella eventually caves in to the idea of marriage. So, now their plan is marriage, sex, then the ‘turning.’ As opposed to sex, the ‘turning’ and no marriage. And the ‘turning,’ followed by ‘let’s see how it goes.’ It’s getting confusing now though, so let’s hope they don’t change the running order of things too many more times…!

5.      Bella has the hots big-time for part-time werewolf, full-time beefcake Jacob Black, played by Taylor Lautner. He doesn’t wear a shirt once in this film, and his exceptional abdominals give even Edward the heebie-jeebies. ‘Doesn’t that guy own a shirt…?’ he asks Bella in a bitchy little girl voice. Threatened, much? Snigger.

6.      Bella also loves Jacob, but she loves Edward more. Both men, including poor Jacob who would do anything for her, are seemingly content to put up with this bullshit. They spend much of this film snickering at each other over who loves her more, or which one would be best for her in the long run.

7.      That would be Jacob, of course. She could marry Jacob and still remain a human girl who can do all of the things a human girl can, and she won’t have to say goodbye forever to her parents or any other loved ones, which she will have to do if she chooses Edward. When. When she chooses Edward, because there’s no question in her mind about it.

8.      There’s one hilarious scene on a snowy mountain-top where Jacob has to save a freezing Bella with his body warmth, something Old Frozen Dick can’t do for her no-how. You know, she should really be naked for this to work, says Jacob slyly, just to rile up the Pale One. And he’s accurate about that as well, it’s medically proven, so yah boo sucks to you, Sparkles! He just has to suck it up, lol.

9.      The movie ends with a long boring battle between the Cullen vampires and a bunch of stupid ‘newborn’ vampires from out-of-town, with the magnificent werewolves of Jacob’s pack weighing in on the side of the Cullens for Bella’s sake.

10.  Bryce Dallas Howard (Aunt Claire from JURASSIC WORLD; the blind girl from THE VILLAGE by M. Night Shomom- Shymom- Shomomolon- by the guy who made SIGNS) stars in this film as the red-headed Victoria, leader of the enemy clan of vampires. Her mate James- mate as in lover, not me old mucker- was killed by Edward in an earlier film, hence her beef with the Cullens.

11.      Dakota Fanning also stars as the bitchy Jane, the Queen of Pain, a member of the Volturi or Vampire Police. Vampire Police, can you imagine? ‘Licence and registration, please, sir,’ and ‘I’m gonna need you to blow into this bag for me, sir…!’

12.      Also, just to mention that the movie touches on the back stories of both Rosalie and Jasper Hale, both mopey Cullens, in this film, but I don’t care enough about either minor character to recount their various histories here. What? They’re boring AF, lol.

13.  The best- and funniest-part of this film is the love rivalry between Jacob and Edward, and the way in which Bella openly encourages this for all she’s worth, the dirty minx!

14.  Stay tuned for my review of the next two films, BREAKING DAWN: PARTS ONE AND TWO, because we’ll be talking about the marriage and the wedding night and the losing, at long last, of Bella’s virginity; one movie-critiquing wag christened ECLIPSE ‘the ongoing saga of the unbroken duck.’ Hilarious. Be there or be, well, somewhere else. But don’t be somewhere else, please. Here’s where the long-awaited deflowering will be discussed in all its bloody glory…

 AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
 
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
  

TWILIGHT 2: NEW MOON. (2009) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA 2: NEW MOON. (2009) DIRECTED BY CHRIS WEITZ. BASED ON THE BOOKS BY STEPHENIE MEYER.
STARRING KRISTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, TAYLOR LAUTNER, BILLY BURKE AND PETER FACINELLI.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Well, here we are again. The second instalment of the TWILIGHT saga, that had teenage girls all over the world sobbing uncontrollably at the doomed romance element of it all and longing for their very own sparkly handsome vampire to fly in through their bedroom window and whisk them away to a glamorous new life beyond the clouds, or wherever.

Here we see the intensely miserable and introspective Edward Cullen actually leaving Bella for her own good, and moving somewhere far away from Forks with his vampire family. Not so far that they can’t return en masse at a second’s notice, however, as we see later in the film.

After seeing his wimpy relative Jasper Cullen try to maul Bella for her delicious blood when she gets a paper cut (a paper cut, how lame-o is that!), Edward decides he must leave Bella for her own safety, even though Bella is adamant to the point of downright rudeness that she wants him to stay. And not just stay, but turn her into a vampire as well, so that they can be together forever.

She has an unhealthy level of dependence on him, which the ‘woke’ attitudes of today would frown on. Also, Edward’s not super-keen on the idea of ‘turning’ his little human girlfriend into a vampire.

He says it’s because he wouldn’t wish that kind of soulless existence upon her, but I reckon he just doesn’t want her hanging out of him morning, noon and night, which she certainly would do if she were a vampire like him and could do vampire magic and stuff.

The state of Bella after Edward’s done his runner reminds me of every bad break-up I’ve ever been through, and one bad one in particular. She walks alone in the dangerous, isolated woods where ‘they’ used to walk, no doubt replaying every word he’s ever said to her in her mind. She mopes in her bedroom and stares out her window, literally watching the seasons pass her by, much to her father Charlie’s consternation.

She ignores her school friends and turns herself into a loner. She reminds me of Mrs. Doyle from FATHER TED when she’s being told how much less miserable her tea-making experience can be if she accepts the Tea-Master machine into her life. She doesn’t even need to think about her answer. ‘Maybe I like the misery…!’

When Edward returns to her briefly in order to save her from a dangerous situation, Bella gets a brainwave. So, he’ll come back if she’s in danger, eh? Well then, she’ll put herself in as much danger as she can, then! The stuff she does is highly inadvisable for anyone to copy or try at home.

Not content with accepting a helmet-less ride on the back of a total stranger’s motorbike, she brings some busted-up old motorbikes over to the home of her childhood friend, Jacob Black, and suggests they ‘fix them up together as a project.’

She completely uses Jacob, whom she knows perfectly well is in love with her. When the bikes are ride-able at last, she takes one for a spin, falls off and wallops her unprotected noggin off a rock. I felt sick to my stomach when that happened. All this for a guy, who doesn’t care enough about her to bring him with her when he leaves town! Is he worth dying for then, Bella? Oh wait… yeah, lol.

And the way she strings that poor Jacob Black along is disgraceful. She definitely gets a thrill from his wet shirtlessness, and is delighted to have a handsome black-haired half-naked Native American and part-time werewolf dancing attendance on her now Edward’s fecked off.

However, she has no intention of letting the poor besotted Jacob get past that big sparkly chastity belt round her nether regions, the one that clicked into place without her knowing it and which will only come off when Edward himself removes it.

Naturally, women and girls will approve of Jacob and his half-nekkid gang of lads who run together in a pack and can turn into werewolves at will. I call them ‘The Men who Run Without Shirts.’ Their abdominals are certainly criminally well-defined.

Still, the target audience for the film is teenage girls; it’s only their boyfriends who’ll consider the wolf pack to be as gay as feck. A load of nudie men cavorting in the forest in the rain? Seems kinda gay to me, lol. But Taylor Lautner as Jacob sure is buff; he and the Sparkly One will no doubt exchange a few shots across each other’s bows in due course as rivals for Bella, and won’t she just love that?  

My main takeaway from this film is the worry I feel that any real-life girls or women would be tempted to be as stupidly reckless as Bella is in this movie. She even jumps off an actual effing cliff in the wild hope that Edward’s ghost will jump in and save her.

Moping, ugly-crying, writing bad love poetry and sending endless texts to the errant boyfriend is all perfectly permissible and, indeed, expected, when you break up with your first love, but putting yourself in actual danger for no good reason is a big fat no-no.

I wonder if you could make a film like that today, or would the ‘woke’ brigade put the kybosh on it. I don’t think I need to worry, really. Women and girls today are much too sensible to lose their heads over a few glue-on sparkles and a handful of glitter. Aren’t they…?

PS, this one ends on a big sparkly cliffhanger, but there’s no way on earth that mopey, possessive Bella is going to say no to this. There’ll surely be a big fat sparkler on her ring finger before long…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
 
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
  

TWILIGHT. (2008) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

TWILIGHT. (2008) DIRECTED BY CATHERINE HARDWICKE. BASED ON THE BOOK BY STEPHENIE MEYER.

STARRING KRISTEN STEWART, ROBERT PATTINSON, BILLY BURKE, TAYLOR LAUTNER AND PETER FACINELLI.

REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

All right, all right, settle down now, class. We’ve all seen the memes. Real vampires don’t sparkle, right? Real vampires are Kiefer Sutherland and the Lost Boys, they’re Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie in THE HUNGER. I could go on.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of our collective systems, today I’d like to address the class on the subject of TWILIGHT, the biggest franchise since Harry Potter and without which there would be no FIFTY SHADES OF GREY franchise, because the FIFTY SHADES books started out as TWILIGHT fan fiction. See?

I for one thoroughly welcomed both TWILIGHT, the films and books they said were for teenage girls, and FIFTY SHADES, the ‘mummy porn’ that middle-aged women could supposedly binge-read in perfect privacy on their kindles, like a bunch of sex-hungry, well, mummies. It was about bloody time the film and book industries did something for the female sex!

TWILIGHT (2008) is the first film in the TWILIGHT saga. It features Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a seventeen-year-old schoolgirl who got in one little fight and her mom got scared and now she’s moving with her auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

No, wait, that was totally Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Bella Swan is actually moving in with her sheriff dad Charlie in Forks, a small photogenic town in Washington, after living with her flighty mom in Phoenix, Arizona. Forks has the most fabulous rainy woods, rivers and mountains and is gorgeous to look at, but Bella, shy and not too ugly herself, isn’t looking at the scenery.

She’s way too busy falling head-over-heels in love with a boy-man at her school, Edward Cullen, a member of the mysterious and pale-faced Cullen family. It takes Bella a little while to work out what we all kind of suspected, back in the day. He’s deathly pale and his skin feels freezing cold to the touch. She’s never seen him eat, and he’s unnaturally fast and strong, even saving Bella’s life in a car accident once with his pure-quick-wittedness and the strength of ten men.

So, what else could he be but… a fortune-telling raccoon with a musical ear and the power to see into the future. . .? No, no and no. He’s a deeply introspective vampire, ‘turned’ by his foster father Carlisle Cullen during the Spanish Influenza Outbreak of 1918. Now he lives with his rich immortal father, just mentioned here, and his rich immortal family in their fabulous glass house high up in the drenched and dripping woods of Forks.

Bella is willing to do anything to get Edward to stay with her forever. Edward isn’t so sure. He gets all mealy-mouthed and says things like, But, I’d only hurt you! And Bella just gets all carried away, saying to the shocked Edward, oh, but I’d really love that, bring it on! And Edward says, well, you must be crazy, missus, but if that’s what you really want, who am I to argue?

So they become the school’s hottest new couple, much to the concern of Edward’s family. They’ve survived this long only by keeping their deadly secret from the humans amongst whom they live and mix daily. If Bella leaks this secret, she will not only endanger all of them but she will be the biggest blabbermouth since Kat Slater from EastEnders. She knows what she did. (‘I’m your muvver, Zoe…!’)

Anyway, Bella goes to the home of the Cullens at Edward’s request and is welcomed by them as cordially as if she were a vegetarian hot dog on a stick. Yes, the Cullens are ‘veggie’ vampires, only drinking the blood of animals, as opposed to whatever’s been murdering and mutilating random people in the town of Forks.

It wouldn’t be the three weirdos who’ve just crashed the Cullens’ lame-o baseball game, could it? And, if they do happen to like the taste of human blood and flesh, has Edward just put the still human Bella in the greatest danger since a bunch of toffee-nosed English chaps decided amongst themselves that that nasty little commoner Hitler was in fact ‘all talk’…?

Now, for homework, class, please discuss the following, giving arguments for and against:

  1. Does Edward Cullen exercise the kind of coercive control over schoolgirl Bella Swan that has recently put Welsh footballer Ryan Giggs in a court of law fighting for his reputation…?
  2. Why do you think Bella Swan is so willing to give up everything for the love of this sparkly teenage boy? Is she suffering from extremely low self-esteem, and from where might she have obtained the notion that she, Bella, is a sack of shit, whereas Edward is a total prize…?
  3. Why did I completely forget to mention Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black, Bella’s forgettable old friend whom even Bella has trouble remembering?

One more thing before you go. Jackson Rathbone, who plays the vampire Jasper, is in fact distantly related to British acting legend, Basil SHERLOCK HOLMES Rathbone. There’s the bell, make sure you bring in NEW MOON, the second book in the TWILIGHT saga, with you tomorrow. If we’ve literally nothing else to do, we might have a browse through it. Good afternoon to you all now. No running in the corridor, Matthews, you little shit! Christ, where did I leave my fags?

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:

https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv

Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:

The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/