drac taste

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA. BOOK 2- PARTS 21, 22 AND 23. AN EROTIC HORROR STORY BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

drac taste

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA. BOOK 2- PART 21. AN EROTIC HORROR STORY BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Dracula put his hands behind his head and yawned pleasurably. He was feeling comfortable and pleased with himself. A clandestine trip to a village two or three towns over had yielded fresh prey. Fresh, juicy prey in the form of two brunette sisters about twenty years old, making their way home through the woods after a Bible study class.

They’d had red rosy cheeks and lips and full succulent bosoms that were barely contained within the confines of their gowns. He’d licked his own lips in contemplation of their youthful charms as he’d watched them silently from behind an ancient oak tree. He’d overpowered the pair easily, ravished them beneath the groaning branches of the oak and drained them of every drop of their sweet blood.

Afterwards, he’d buried them in the darkest, mossiest part of the forest where it was likely that no-one would ever find them. Then he’d returned to the castle. He felt confident that the sudden disappearance of the two young women would not be traced to the ‘mysterious foreign gentleman’-himself- who had leased Birney Castle for an indefinite period of time. He had covered his tracks well, as he always did.

Now he lay comfortably on the bed in his own private dressing-room, naked and relaxed while Gloria and two of the nude handmaidens attended to his every need, physical and sexual. Gloria pleasured him ably with her mouth, her long glossy black hair spread out over his bare stomach and groin.

From time to time, Gloria raised her huge dark eyes to his and flashed him a sensual smile to which he did not deign to respond. Whores were there to be used, not pandered to or acknowledged more than was necessary. It amused him, though, that she tried so hard to please him.

The two nude handmaidens held his bare feet to their unclothed breasts and massaged them expertly. They took his long elegant toes into their mouths and sucked them. Dracula was feeling good. Un-Death was a good state in which to be. He clicked his fingers and gestured to indicate that Gloria should discontinue her oral ministrations, and then again to order her astride his swollen member.

“I love you, Master,” she murmured as she straddled him and began to ride him, leaning over him so that her mouth was close to his ear. “Does Master love Gloria, too…?”

“Be silent, woman,” the Count said sternly, delighting in the look of disappointment that crossed her face. “Speak when you are spoken to.” He reached up and grabbed her huge breasts in his hands, squeezing them till she squealed in pain.

Gloria had magnificent breasts. Count Dracula had always tended to favour the larger-bosomed female over her flatter-chested sister. All of his nude handmaidens had been chosen for the lushness of their figures as well as the beauty of their faces and the length and lustrousness of their hair.

“You two, up here,” he ordered the two nude handmaidens abruptly, indicating that he wanted them within reach now, one on either side of him. They hastened to obey him. It was a privilege to be allowed to couple with the Master, or even to simply be present while he coupled with another. Naturally, though, the best thing was to be allowed to couple with him personally.

They lay down on either side of him as he wished, pushing their outsized breasts into his mouth to suckle. They fondled his bare chest and sucked on his nipples and played with each others’ mammaries while Gloria rode him to an earth-shattering climax for both of them, the Count and herself.

“Oh Master, I love you sooooo much!” screamed Gloria as the contractions of her orgasm took her over. This time, Dracula did not trouble to silence her. He groaned and grunted as he pulled her down to him and bit down hard on her pretty white neck. Her expression before she swooned was one first of pain and then of utter bliss. Dracula pushed her away from him while the two nude handmaidens withdrew discreetly to the end of the bed, leaving the Count to rest.

Yes, thought Count Dracula as he felt his body begin to recover from its exertions, being Un-Dead had its problems from time to time, but not day. Today was a good day to be Un-Dead.

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA. BOOK 2- PART 22. AN EROTIC HORROR STORY BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

The following night, Count Dracula made himself available to Anna, his high-born bride and the mother-to-be of his child. After the last rays of the evening sun had died away and daytime had yielded to the inky blackness of night, he joined her in her bath, shedding his cloak and other garments to step down into the scented waters of the sunken tub.

“Can these really be Anna’s breasts…?” he said teasingly as he lifted her pregnancy-swollen bosoms and jiggled them about in the water. Anna smiled. Her breasts were heavier than they had ever been. She loved the way that the Count relished their new size and feel. It was worth the discomfort and occasional pain they caused her to see the pleasurable glint in his dark eyes as he handled them.

“And this…?” he continued in the same teasing vein, placing his hands flat on her enormous stomach. “Can this really be Anna’s belly? My slim, pretty Anna with a waist I could span with my two hands…? What has happened to my slim, pretty Anna?” He grinned down at her and she laughed as she pushed his hands away from her belly and replaced them on her breasts.

You are the reason that I am in this condition,” she retorted. “Do not complain to me if you are unhappy with it.”

“So cutting for one so beautiful,” he murmured as he fondled and squeezed her mammaries before moving on to her wet, soapy buttocks. Anna moaned as he squeezed them even harder than he had her breasts. She loved it when he paid attention to her bottom. It reminded her of the spankings and whippings he administered to it when she begged him to, or when he thought she required discipline. The Count’s discipline meant more to her than the state of Un-Death itself.

“Will you beat me later?” she whispered against his damp bare chest.

“Have you been a naughty little Anna?” he said sternly, parting her buttocks and inserting a finger up into the secret hole that nestled between them. Anna reddened, then nodded.

“Yes, Master,” she whispered. “I’ve… I’ve been touching myself while you were away.”

“Even though you know that I have strictly forbidden you to touch your cunt without my express permission?” the Count said, frowning now as he looked down at her from his superior height of six feet five. Anna trembled, then nodded again.

“Yes,” she replied in a small voice, her eyes lowered submissively.

“Then you will most certainly be punished,” Dracula said coldly. Anna tried her hardest to keep from smiling. The Count always thrashed her the hardest when he thought that he had a genuine grievance against her. For the sin of masturbating without permission, she would be beaten most severely. “Whose property is your cunt, Anna?” the Count was asking her now.

“Yours, Master,” Anna replied meekly. “It belongs to you.”

“You would do well to remember that,” he said, reaching down between her legs and gripping her sex hard enough to make her squirm.

“I will, Master,” she promised, ecstatic at the thought of the whipping to come.

“You little liar,” he said unexpectedly then. “If you do not think I see through your feeble ploy to win yourself extra punishment, then you clearly don’t know me at all.” He began to finger her sex, roughly but with the casual, careless expertise he’d displayed with her from the start. Anna trembled against him as her womanly parts began to respond to his caresses. She began to breathe heavily. She might have known that lying to the Master would be a pointless exercise. He would always find her out. He was the Master, after all.

“I’m sorry, Master,” she whispered, pulling his head down to her so he could hear her.

“You will be,” he promised her grimly.

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA. BOOK 2- PART 23. AN EROTIC HORROR STORY BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Count Dracula was naked. He sat, comfortable and relaxed, against the pillows of his and Anna’s huge four-poster bed. A naked Anna, quivering with nerves and anticipation, lay draped expectantly across his thighs. Her bottom, waiting to be punished, felt like the biggest, most prominent thing in the room.

“Now, my pretty Anna,” said the Count, placing a hand casually on one of her round white bottom cheeks, “we shall see what happens to naughty little girls who tell lies, won’t we?”

“Y… Yes, Master,” she stammered, wondering why it was that she always felt equal amounts of fear and excitement in these situations, why she dreaded the Count’s discipline as much as she craved it. He raised his hand now and Anna held her breath, not releasing it until she felt the first spank cracking down across her bared backside with a ferocity that belied the Count’s almost careless demeanour. Anna cried out in pain.

“Oh no, stop, please stop, I’ve changed my mind, I beg of you, stop!” she pleaded as she always did when the reality of the sharpness of the pain began to hit home. But the Count ignored her, as he always did, and continued spanking her until her creamy-white bottom cheeks had been turned what he considered to be a fetching shade of crimson. She sobbed out loud and squirmed and struggled, face-down across his lap, but he was much too strong for her and he held her in place easily. When her bottom had been evenly- and painfully- spanked all over, the Count pushed her off his lap and said:

“That was just a little something to warm you up, my dear Anna. Now, you would be obliging me greatly if you were to get in position for something a little more… shall we say, substantial…?”

“Oh no, please, not the whip!” moaned Anna, though she was already scrambling to obey him. When she was kneeling up on the bed on all fours, her huge belly tucked safely beneath her and her long blonde hair tumbling to the counterpane, the Count took down a thick leather strap from a selection that hung on the wall behind the bed. Seemingly in no hurry, he sauntered naked around the bed until he was standing behind his bride.

“How prettily your hind-quarters blush at me!” he mocked her, looking down in satisfaction at her beautiful nude body and red punished buttocks, bent so submissively in the expectation of further punishment. Although her face was hidden by the fall of thick blonde hair, he did not need to be able to see it to know that it was flushed as brightly as her behind. He sliced the leather strap through the air a time or two, relishing the way in which Anna jumped and gasped when she heard the noise it made. The first time he brought the strap cracking down across her bottom for real, she screamed.

“Master, it hurts so much! I can’t bear it!” she told him, already weeping.

“You can and you will,” he said grimly as he continued the punishment. He brought the strap down on her bare skin some twenty or thirty times in all, and when he finally laid it down, Anna collapsed face-down on the bed, sobbing with pain and gratitude simultaneously.

“Thank you, Master,” she managed, turning her tear-stained face to his as he lifted her gently in his arms and laid her down on her side in the bed. He got into bed beside her and pulled the covers up around them both. Anna was trembling and still crying softly, but she was smiling blissfully through her tears.

Count Dracula positioned himself so that he was lying behind her, then he eased his stiff manhood between the moist, open lips of her sex from behind. A sound thrashing was usually all it took to lubricate her cunt. He moved in and out of her, murmuring endearments softly into her ear.

“You’ll never put another in my place?” she said before she lost him to his climax.

“Never,” he said firmly, speeding up his thrusting as his climax drew nearer. Before long, he was emptying his life-fluid into her receptive sex, groaning loudly as he did so.

“Do you promise?” Anna persisted, but he was too far gone to hear her.

TO BE CONTINUED HERE SOON…

This story is a work of fiction and comes (almost!) entirely from the imagination of Sandra Harris. Any resemblance to any persons living or un-dead is purely coincidental.

This story is copyrighted material and any reproduction without prior permission is illegal. Sandra Harris reserves the right to be identified as the author of this story.

Sandra Harris. ©

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA: AN EROTIC HORROR NOVELLA.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

flatliners_syn

FLATLINERS. 1990. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

flatliners_syn

FLATLINERS. 1990. DIRECTED BY JOEL SCHUMACHER. STARRING KIEFER SUTHERLAND, JULIA ROBERTS, KEVIN BACON, WILLIAM BALDWIN AND OLIVER PLATT. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

This horror film is an enjoyable watch, but it ain’t half daft. I’d heard so much over the years about how good it was, then I watch it for myself and find out that it’s a load of wishy-washy old hokum. Fun hokum, but hokum nonetheless.

The five leads are American medical students who have gotten way, way too big for their boots. They think they can play God by each undergoing a controlled death for several minutes, then being resuscitated by their smarty-pants colleagues. If during the time they are ‘dead’ they experience some kind of an ‘afterlife,’ then that proves definitively that there is life after death.

Cue instant fame and fortune for the five and a place in the medical history books. Sigh. No good ever came from trying to out-God God. Someone really should have told this to these uppity morons with a grossly inflated sense of their own importance and intelligence. Just because they’re the smartest students in the class doesn’t mean that they can fly in the face of Death and come out the other end unscathed…

They each experience different ‘afterlife’ scenarios while they are under. They emerge shocked and shaken, having each seen things from their past that they would have much preferred to forget. It’s when these shameful secrets start to plague them during their waking hours that they realise they’ve opened up a can of worms that might have been better left untouched…

That’s when the film really started to go downhill for me. Kevin Bacon’s and Julia Roberts’s stories are mushy in the extreme, while Billy Baldwin’s is silly and Kiefer Sutherland’s just plain nasty. Surely someone could have come up with stronger, better-defined stories with more satisfying resolutions? Incidentally, Oliver Platt, arguably the least famous of the five, doesn’t get a story at all, or a chance to go ‘under,’ which seems unfair.

The ending is pure daft too. Out of the five, I think only Kiefer Sutherland’s and Julia Roberts’s performances would be worth remembering. That’s probably mainly because they’re both utterly ravishing though, haha. His sneery mouth and her fabulous hair, big teeth and wide, wide smile…! Fantastic stuff. She has absolutely no boobs in it, but she’s more memorable for other things. She’s really all about the teeth and hair, I always think.

Okay, so I wasn’t very complimentary about this film but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have its good moments, and the college building and the Fall scenery are both gorgeous to look at. It’s worth checking out at least once anyway, if only for its all-star cast and iconic movie status. Enjoy…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E

FIFTY REALLY RANDOM FILM REVIEWS YOU CAN DIP INTO LIKE THEY’RE FANCY CHOCOLATES!                                                                                                                        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010L2L0OG?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

2012

2012- DIRECTED BY ROLAND EMMERICH. 2009. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

2012

2012- DIRECTED BY ROLAND EMMERICH. 2009. STARRING DANNY GLOVER, JOHN CUSACK, AMANDA PEET, OLIVER PLATT, THANDIE NEWTON, WOODY HARRELSON, JIMI MISTRY AND CHIWETEL EJIOFOR. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Every now and then, I like to clear a couple of hours in my diary and settle down with a good old blockbusting disaster movie. It’d usually be a weekend thing, and there’d have to be enough snacks in the house to see me through to the end of the film. I wouldn’t want to starve, haha.

THE TOWERING INFERNO, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, ALIVE, TITANIC, INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and now 2012, I’ve seen ’em all. I have a soft spot for them, as it happens. I’ll be straight with you from the start. I don’t think that 2012 is as good as some of its forerunners, but it’s here and I’ve literally just watched it so let’s review it. Okay, guys…? Let’s roll.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, which I actually prefer, makes it clear to the viewer that that pesky boogeyman, global warming, is to blame for the catastrophic events which occur. 2012 doesn’t really mention climate change at all.

Instead, the earth’s crust is destabilising or shifting, if you prefer, something which I assume we humans can hardly be blamed for. Unlike the destruction of the ozone layer, which was apparently all us. Tsk, tsk. I blame the ‘Eighties, personally. All that hairspray…!

Remember the whole hoo-ha about the Mayans predicting that the world would come to an end in 2012? Well, as the name implies, this is a movie about their predictions coming true and the world actually coming to an end in 2012. The shifting of the earth’s crust which we just discussed brings about the most cataclysmic earthquakes and tsunamis worldwide. Millions of people are dying as a result.

But not the ones who’ve paid a billion- yes, a billion- euros to board the special giant ‘arks’ that have been built for the privileged few. Talk about fortune favouring the rich, eh…?

John Cusack plays Jackson Curtis, a failed writer/weekend dad who loves his family enough to try to get them onto one of these arks even though he doesn’t have anything like a billion big ones in his back pocket. The journey by aeroplane from America to China, where the arks are based, is perilous and downright unbelievable at times, but what the hey, it’s a movie, after all.

Danny Glover is impressive as the President of the United States of America who chooses to stay behind and take his chances with the people he was elected to lead rather than board the ark. His beloved daughter makes it onto the ark, however, where she just might be lucky enough to find love with her father’s Chief Science Advisor, Adrian Helmsley. Lucky indeed. A ticket to survival and the possibility of hot sex to come…? Nice work if you can get it, haha.

To my mind, there aren’t as many memorable scenes in 2012 as there are in the film with which I automatically seem to compare it, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. They’re both Roland Emmerich apocalyptic blockbusters but THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW has more to offer in the way of stand-out scenes. For example, there’s the Statue of Liberty up to her armpits in snow or the enormous displaced ship sailing silently up the street past the library where Jake Gyllenhaal and his little chums are holed up.

2012 has Queen Elizabeth and her precious corgis boarding the ark, the Pope giving a last address to his people from his balcony just before the Vatican collapses and kills everybody in sight, and adorable giraffes and elephants being airlifted onto the ark because, after all, the survivors will need to repopulate what’s left of the earth with animals as well as humans, right…?

The special effects are great, as you might expect from a big-budget Roland Emmerich movie, but the film is about a half-hour too long and the story drags in places. Also, I didn’t really warm to John Cusack and his family too much. There was something unlikeable and off-putting about them, and Woody Harrelson as the crazy old the-end-is-nigh self-styled disc jockey Charlie Frost was just plain nuts. I was absolutely bloody delighted when he didn’t take John Cusack up on his offer of transport to China to board the ark.

Apocalyptic disaster movies can be great fun to watch. I just feel like the ‘heart’ was kind of missing from this one. You don’t need to take my word for it, however. Watch it for yourself and make up your own mind about it. It’s a butt-numbing two-and-a-half hours long, though, so make sure you go to the toilet before you press PLAY…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E

FIFTY REALLY RANDOM FILM REVIEWS YOU CAN DIP INTO LIKE THEY’RE FANCY CHOCOLATES!                                                                                                                        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010L2L0OG?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

RemainsoftheDay1

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY. 1993. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

RemainsoftheDay1

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY. 1993. A MERCHANT-IVORY PRODUCTION. DIRECTED BY JAMES IVORY. BASED ON THE NOVEL BY KAZUO ISHIGURO. STARRING ANTHONY HOPKINS, EMMA THOMPSON, JAMES FOX, HUGH GRANT, CHRISTOPHER REEVE, PETER VAUGHAN, LENA HEADEY AND BEN CHAPLIN. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

This is an utterly gorgeous film, visually and in just about every way you can think of. It’s beautifully-scripted and acted and the shots of the sumptuous and luxurious Darlington Hall are breath-taking. Based on the best-selling novel by Kazuo Ishiguro, I have the loveliest memories of watching it in the dying light of a sunny November day several winters in a row and I’ll probably always associate it with that time of year.

Anthony Hopkins turns in a masterful performance as Mr. James Stevens, butler to Lord Darlington in the England of the 1930s and 1940s. Stevens is the perfect butler. The consummate professional. Discreet, efficient, born to serve and, most importantly, putting his job above all else.

His main goal in life seems to be to ease Lord Darlington’s passage through his life, to the point where he is willing to sacrifice his own chances of love and a family and a satisfying personal life. Stevens clearly gets this devotion to duty from his stiff-upper-lipped elderly father, Mr. William Stevens, who ‘buttled’ own his butt off his entire life and who, in fact, will die ‘buttling.’ Ooops. Spoiler alert, haha.

There are two main storylines in the film. Stevens falls gradually in love with Emma Thompson’s younger housekeeper, the lively and spirited Miss Kenton, who is as good at her job as Stevens is. She doesn’t live for her job, however. She is quite amenable to the idea of love and all that goes with it. Stevens, though, is so buttoned-up and used to keeping his feelings under strict control that he is unable to respond to her advances. Do the pair ever manage to get it together…? I couldn’t possibly comment, haha.

The other- grimmer- storyline concerns Lord Darlington’s alleged ‘Nazi-sympathising’ and his dubious commitment to helping Germany re-arm and strengthen herself after her crushing defeat in World War One. The situation for England grows more and more serious as the war which seems inevitable to some draws nearer.

Lord Darlington’s journalist godson, ably played by Hugh Grant, accuses Stevens of turning a blind eye to the well-meaning but misguided Lord Darlington’s turning the house into a base for Nazi operations in England. Stevens, however, would never dream of presuming to question his master’s actions, however dodgy-seeming they may be.

It is only later in the film, when we see Stevens setting off on a motoring holiday after the war, that we discover he may not have been entirely comfortable after all with what went on at Darlington Hall. At the very least, he sees it as something to keep quiet about.

There are so many highlights and key scenes in the film. Poor old Mr. Stevens Sr. falling with the heavy tray and Coronation Street’s Master Butcher Fred Elliott attending him as his doctor. Miss Kenton trying to wrestle Steven’s so-called ‘dirty’ book out of his hands. Hugh Grant getting the birds and the bees talk out in the grounds from a mortified Stevens. The opulence of Darlington Hall during the ill-fated conference, and the major preparations below stairs for said conference. The scene at the bus-stop in the bucketing rain at the end. Oh God. Just thinking about it is causing me to tear up. Say no more…

This film is a thing of understated beauty, subtlety and delicacy. It is one of Anthony Hopkins’s and, indeed, of Emma Thompson’s finest performances, in my ever-so-humble-opinion. Together, they pack one hell of an emotional punch.

I must warn you before you watch it, you’ll need hankies. Lots of hankies. And fancy chocolates too and maybe a nice glass of white wine. Chilled to perfection and served the way Mr. Stevens himself would do it. It’s the kind of classy film that deserves a bit of effort being put into watching it. Any trouble you take over it will most certainly be worthwhile.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E

FIFTY REALLY RANDOM FILM REVIEWS YOU CAN DIP INTO LIKE THEY’RE FANCY CHOCOLATES!                                                                                                                        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010L2L0OG?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

sorority row 2

SORORITY ROW. 2009. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

sorority row 2

SORORITY ROW. 2009. DIRECTED BY STEWART HENDLER. STARRING BRIANA EVIGAN, LEAH PIPES, RUMER WILLIS, JAMIE CHUNG, AUDRINA PARTRIDGE, JULIAN MORRIS, MARGO HARSHMAN, MATT LANTER AND CARRIE FISHER. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I’ll be honest with you. The American university system is like a whole different planet to me. They’ve got their fraternities and sororities, they’ve got their pledging and hazing and rushing and valedictorians, and they’ve also got their habit of naming their fraternity and sorority ‘houses’ after bits of the Greek alphabet.

Oh, and the frat boys are always trying to have sex with the sorority girls and vice versa, and they have mad parties called ‘keggers’ where everyone ‘chugs’ too much booze and takes drugs and has sex with everyone else. Or such is my understanding anyway, after watching films like this one.

Here in green old Ireland, we don’t have any of that. We just have lectures and exams and shockin’ high course fees and, if you’re lucky, a ride and a bag of chips every now and again. It’s much simpler, though that’s not to say that it’s any better. The American way of doing things seems like it might be a lot of fun, for the seemingly privileged boys and girls who can afford it, that is.

This film, as you might have guessed from the title, concerns a bunch of girls in a sorority house in an American college. They’re called Cassidy, Jessica, Claire, ‘Chugs,’ Ellie and Megan. Theta Pi is the name of their sorority.

They all seem like horrible bitches, if you’ll excuse my forthrightness. They’re supposed to be friends but they don’t act like it. They treat each other dreadfully. They’re catty and nasty and selfish and self-absorbed, for the most part, especially Jessica, the beautiful-on-the-outside-but-ugly-on-the-inside Queen Bee of the group. Oh, and ‘Chugs,’ who didn’t get her repulsive nickname from sipping sparkling water, is a pretty unpleasant person too. And Claire is a total slut. Bruce Willis’s kid Rumer is whingy and annoying as Ellie. I’m just saying, is all…

One fateful night, during the drunkenest party to end all drunken parties, a nasty prank goes wrong and Megan ends up dead. Jessica, whose sense of self-preservation is probably the most highly-developed of all the girls, convinces the group that telling the police would only serve to ruin the rest of all of their lives. So, what do they do instead? They throw Megan’s body down a mineshaft in a spooky deserted area and go back to the party, and their lives. As you do…

Can you possibly guess what happens next…? Well, if you guessed that several months later, just when the girls are graduating, someone starts sending the Fearless Five picture messages of Megan’s dead body, you’d be right. And if you also guessed that a mysterious cloaked figure starts bumping off members of the group and anyone else who knows about what happened, you’d be bang on the money. And if you then went on to guess that the hysterical girls think that Megan’s come back from the dead to wreak a bloody revenge on the five bedhopping skanks she used to call her ‘sisters,’ you’d go straight to the top of the class.

The dialogue is clunky and utterly unbelievable at times, which does detract a little bit from the effectiveness of SORORITY ROW as a gory horror/black comedy, but otherwise the film is good fun. And trying to guess the killer is a great laugh. Twice I thought I had it but I was wrong. It’s impossible to guess. You absolutely won’t be able to guess correctly, I guarantee it. Go on, guess! See? Totally wrong, haha.

The only real problem with the film, which is based on the 1983 movie, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, is that it left me wishing that I was a rich-bitch sorority girl in an American college, with a rich father and my own car and a rich, handsome boyfriend with whom I could have great sex in the college jacuzzi on graduation night. (I ask you, a f**king jacuzzi…? When I went to college, we were lucky if we had showers…!) But other than the vague sense of dissatisfaction with your own vastly inferior life that the film might leave you with, SORORITY ROW is a fun watch. If you’ve a couple of hours to spare, it might just be worth your while to try it.

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E

FIFTY REALLY RANDOM FILM REVIEWS YOU CAN DIP INTO LIKE THEY’RE FANCY CHOCOLATES!                                                                                                                        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010L2L0OG?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

audition 2

AUDITION. 1999. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

audition 2

AUDITION. 2001. TARTAN CINEMA. DIRECTED BY MIIKE TAKASHI. STARRING RYO ISHIBASHI, EIHI SHIINA, TETSU KUREMURA, MIYUKI MATSUDA, RENJI ISHIBASHI AND JUN KUNIMURA. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

Oh boy. This Japanese horror film is not for the faint-hearted. It’s most definitely not for faint-hearted men. It’s a woman-taking-revenge-on-a-man movie that makes FATAL ATTRACTION and its forerunner PLAY MISTY FOR ME look like BARNEY THE DINOSAUR MEETS THE TELETUBBIES. Ah, you know what I mean. Here’s the deal.

Shigeharu Aoyama is a really nice guy. He’s an attractive, hard-working middle-aged widower with a teenage son, an adorable puppy dog and a beautiful home. When he’s been seven years widowed, however, he starts to feel like it’s about time he remarried again. He’s lonely. He needs a little loving. No-one, not even his son, can blame him for that.

So, how does he go about meeting a new woman? Does he ask a trusted friend to set him up with a work colleague? Does he place a personal ad in a newspaper or magazine? Does he go speed-dating? It’s kind of a mixture of all of the above.

With the help of a friend, he holds an audition, an actual audition, for the part of a female lead in a non-existent production. He intends to select a new wife from one of the applicants. Well. It seems unnecessarily and ridiculously convoluted- not to mention limited- a method to me, but whatever floats his boat, haha.

Naturally, he meets a woman at his audition. It wouldn’t be much of a woman-taking-revenge-on-a-man movie if he didn’t. Her name is Asami, she’s twenty-four years old and she’s stunningly beautiful. They hit it off immediately, which makes poor Aoyama the happiest he’s been in a long time.

But Asami is a damaged young woman. Her story is one of horrific abuse by the people in her past. She is broken beyond repair. Broken and psychologically messed-up in a way that bodes ill- really ill- for any man she meets. Even a man who actually treats her right, like Aoyama wants to. After they make love for the first time, Asami shows Aoyama just what happens to the men who cross her path. It ain’t pretty…

I won’t go into details. I don’t want to spoil it for you. Let’s just say, however, that you can expect to see cheese wire being used to cut something that isn’t cheese (yeowwwwwch…!), a bowl of vomit being used for an utterly stomach-churning purpose and a highly unorthodox session of acupuncture taking place. On an unwilling participant. In a scene that surely must come straight from your worst nightmares. And what exactly is tied up in Asami’s sack…? Well, she ain’t no Santa Claus and there ain’t no gifts for good little boys and girls in that there sack. You can take that to the bank.

Like I said, this film is not for the faint-hearted. It’s a brilliant Japanese horror film, however, so if you think you have the stomach for it you should definitely watch it. Make sure you have your dinner first, though. I somehow don’t think you’ll be feeling very hungry afterwards…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E

FIFTY REALLY RANDOM FILM REVIEWS YOU CAN DIP INTO LIKE THEY’RE FANCY CHOCOLATES!                                                                                                                        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010L2L0OG?*Version*=1&*entries*=0

bless-the-child-2000

BLESS THE CHILD. 2000. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

bless-the-child-2000

BLESS THE CHILD. DIRECTED BY CHUCK RUSSELL. STARRING KIM BASINGER, RUFUS SEWELL, JIMMY SMITS, IAN HOLM, ANGELA BETTIS AND CHRISTINA RICCI. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

This is a pretty poor film. I was personally disappointed when I realised that it wasn’t a film about an evil child, like in THE OMEN or THE EXORCIST, but a good child. A super-good child, in fact. A child so good that for centuries the forces of evil have been waiting to get their grubby mitts on her. I would have much preferred an evil child but, even aside from that, it was still a poor film.

Kim Basinger, whom I’ve always felt was just a trifle bland, or blank even, as an actress, plays Maggie O’Connor, a psychiatric nurse at a busy New York hospital. One day out of the blue, Maggie’s younger, not-so-together sister Jenna whom she hasn’t seen for years turns up on her doorstep clutching her newborn baby, the niece that Maggie never even knew she had. The strung-out junkie Jenna disappears again the same day, leaving a shocked Maggie literally holding the baby…

The child, a little girl called Cody, grows up autistic. Her Aunt Maggie dotes on her and gives her the best of everything. She’s not happy, therefore, when six or so years later Jenna turns up unannounced once more. This time, she has a new husband in tow, the revoltingly smarmy Eric Stark. Eric belongs to a cult called New Dawn. He knows that Cody is a very special child. She has powers that Eric and his chums want to exploit, but not for good. For evil…

The second half of the film basically sees Kim Basinger running around like a headless chicken trying to get Cody back from the mad culties who’ve kidnapped her so they can use her in their quest for world domination. She enlists the aid of Jimmy Smits’s FBI specialist in occult-related crimes to back her up when the final, inevitable showdown between good and evil occurs. I don’t like to get personal but I kind of feel the same way about Jimmy Smits as I do about Kim Basinger. Bland, bland, bland. Is there anything going on behind the smoothly bland good looks…? Who knows…?

The ending is disappointing, as are the practically non-existent special effects. A clash between Satan’s minions and God’s army has the potential to be utterly spectacular. Sadly, this is not the case with BLESS THE CHILD. By the way, Bilbo Baggins and Wednesday Addams, aka Ian Holm and Christina Ricci, each have small parts in the movie but their contributions are so ‘meh’ that they are scarcely worth mentioning. Yeah, I know. Miaow…! 

I really hate being this negative about a horror film but I just felt so let-down by this one. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t watch it, though. You never know, you might see something in it that I don’t. Unlikely, haha, but it’s a free country after all and y’all can do what y’all wants to do…!

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

sandrasandraharris@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVQ2950

2) A WRITER’S JOURNEY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X4PABVG

3) ANNA MEETS COUNT DRACULA

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SAUGZ6K

4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VR8XE84

5) CANCER BALLS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00X62THYY

6) CATCH OF THE DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVOFOE0

7) FIFTY FILTHY-DIRTY SEX-POEMS YOU MUST READ BEFORE I DIE.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OABATWO

8) FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OV9EKG6

9) THE DEVIANTS

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PPM16YM

10) VISITING DAY

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WVPB75E