STARRING JENN PROSKE, MATT LANTER, CHRISTOPHER N. RIGGI AND KEN JEONG.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
Yee-ikes…!!! This spoof/parody film received some of the worst, lowest-scoring reviews I’ve ever read, which is odd because I genuinely enjoyed it. Mind you, I watched it at exactly the right time for me, which was the week after I’d re-watched all five TWILIGHT movies back-to-back with my daughter, who grew up with them and adored them as both a teenager and an adult. We had great fun re-watching the movies, and I’m even hell-bent on reading all four books now as well, completing my transformation into fully-fledged TWILIGHT mom.
Yes, I can see the ridiculousness of it all; the angsty scenery-chewing of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, the mopey indecision tempered with the crazy stubbornness of Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, and her absolute determination to do what’s bad for her, but you can see all that and still have a laugh at the films. You can see the flaws, yet still enjoy bonding over the movies with a family member for whom HARRY POTTER and TWILIGHT were amongst the biggest things in her childhood.
VAMPIRES SUCK is a direct parody of the first two TWILIGHT films, TWILIGHT and NEW MOON. Jenn Proske as Becca Crane/Bella Swan is hilarious; just the right amount of mopey-ness, indecision, angst, low self-esteem and embarrassing insistence on throwing herself at Edward Sullen/Edward Cullen, well-played by Matt Lanter.
His trademark lovely hair is gigantically high, he still sparkles in the sunlight, he’s deathly pale with silent movie star make-up and burning red eyes and he loves himself more than he could ever love Becca Crane.
Just like in TWILIGHT, Becca and Edward meet when Becca relocates to Sporks to be with her town sheriff Dad, Frank Crane. The kids attend the same high school, and keep catching each other’s eye dramatically across a crowded cafeteria.
It’s not long before the dozey pair are crazy in love with each other and the horny Becca, struggling valiantly against her repressed sexuality, is trying desperately hard to get the pale, bouffant One to lose his own virginity along with hers, but no dice. Sorry, Becca, but he’s wearing ‘a purity ring.’ It’d be easier to separate him from his fangs than his trousers…
Jacob White/Jacob Black is here too as the Native American Indian hottie who turns into a werewolf at will. The rough-housing scene between his wheel-chair-bound father and Becca’s cop father is about the funniest scene in the whole film.
Jacob and Edward are love rivals once more, and Jacob’s confiding in Becca that his contract stipulates shirtlessness every ten minutes of screen time is so funny. Jacob’s abs are top notch as usual and, here as in the real TWILIGHT films, Bella doesn’t love him like she loves Edward, but she’s damn well going to keep him dangling on the end of a string just the same, because he’s gorgeous and he’s devoted to her, and what young lass wouldn’t be flattered by that?
Elsewhere, there’s going to be be a giant vampire-themed prom at school, organised by Becca’s three best pals who look very like the three friends in the original movies, and elsewhere the vampire police, the Zolturi (the Volturi), are baying for Edward’s delicious blood as he’s been exposing himself in the sunshine over at the festival of Saint Salvatore.
Edward, you dirty beast! Put your sparkly willy back in your pants where it belongs this instant! Don’t you point that thing at me. I can still see it, Edward, winking at me! There, that’s better, all tucked away nice and proper-like. Anyway, Edward fights the head of the Zolturi, Daro/Aro, and then asks Becca to marry him. I think that’s about it, really. It’s not CITIZEN KANE, lol.
I love the trio of vampires confused with the Black-Eyed Peas, James, Victoria and Laurent, and the Team Edward and Team Jacob fan-girls. In the original TWILIGHT, thank-yous go out in the credits to the folks who did security during the movie for Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Messrs Pattinson and Lautner must have been proper lurve-gods back in the day.
Can you imagine how many teenage girls would have been trying to get near the two heart-throbs during the making of the films? Trying to get a picture or an autograph, or pinch a lock of hair (doesn’t matter from which end!) or an item of clothing. Tsk tsk, the little harpies!
Anyway, I loved this little spoof fillum, which also parodies other vampire shows BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, TRUE BLOOD and THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, and the following individuals: Lady Gaga, Chris Brown, the Black-Eyed Peas and Tiger Woods the golfer. I don’t believe the film’s title, however, when it says that vampires suck. Vampires don’t suck, they rule. They really, totally do.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
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Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, poet, short story writer and film and book blogger. She has studied Creative Writing and Vampirology. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, women’s fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra’s books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
Her new book, THIRTEEN STOPS EARLIER, is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://amzn.to/3ulKWkv
Her debut romantic fiction novel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Stops-Sandra-Harris-ebook/dp/B089DJMH64
The sequel, ‘THIRTEEN STOPS LATER,’ is out now from Poolbeg Books:
 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thirteen-Stops-Later-Book-ebook/dp/B091J75WNB/
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