FIFTY SHADES FILM SERIES:
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. (2015)
FIFTY SHADES DARKER. (2017)
FIFTY SHADES FREED. (2019)
ALL BASED ON THE BOOKS BY E.L. JAMES.
DIRECTED BY SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: FILM 1, AND JAMES FOLEY: FILMS 2&3.
STARRING DAKOTA JOHNSON AND JAMIE DORNAN.
A TRIPLE-FILM REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
‘You’re biting your lip. You know what that does to me.’
Slagging off the FIFTY SHADES OF GREY books and their author E.L. James has been a popular pastime since the phenomenon exploded onto the literary scene in 2012. I, however, am not one of the detractors, naysayers and denigrators.
I’m happy to go on record as saying that I enjoyed the trilogy of books immensely and I have nothing but respect and admiration for E.L. James. If I could achieve in my entire lifetime even a fraction of the success she’s enjoyed in the last decade or so, I’d die a happy writer.
Clearly I’m not the only one who feels the same about FIFTY SHADES. So many millions of women purchased the sexy books that the term ‘mummy porn’ was coined for this type of writing.
A whole generation of readers and writers of erotica had been born, and the rising prevalence and popularity of Kindle readers meant that women could read their dirty books anywhere, even on public transport, and no-one would be any the wiser.
While I’m not sure how many women would actually go into a hardware store to buy cable ties, I do know how huge the genre of erotic writing has become in the last few years, thanks in no small part to FIFTY SHADES.
Right. Now that I’ve gotten that little lot off my chest, let’s talk about the plot of these films that were on everyone’s lips not too many years ago. Each film came out in the February of their year of release, by the way, just in time for, you know, whatsits, Hearts and Flowers Day, I forget what it’s called…
I think most people are familiar with the basic plot of the films, which as far as I can see is pretty faithful to the books. Shy, virginal (literally!) English Literature student Anastasia Steele meets and falls head over heels (also literally…!) in love with handsome Seattle-based millionaire, Christian Grey. So far so normal, right…? Wrong.
Christian is your average handsome millionaire in all respects but one. He’s into kinky sex in a big, big way. You name it, he digs it. Spanking, whipping, blindfolds, bondage, fisting- both anal and vaginal- and a whole host of other depraved pursuits, all of which he wants to do to Anastasia in what she terms his ‘Red Room Of Pain.’
‘I don’t make love,’ he tells a bewildered Anastasia. ‘I fuck. Hard.’
Get you, Mr. Grey!
We see Anastasia losing her virginity to Christian in full techni-colour glory, as it were, and then having sex with him almost non-stop for the rest of the film. You see everything. Well, nearly.
You don’t see Christian’s willy, but believe me, you see everything else. Ana’s boobs, her ass, his ass, the pubes leading down to his willy, but it just stops short of his willy. Shame. I’m sure it would be as veiny and muscular as the rest of him, nom, nom, nom…
The three films are full of sex, naturally. Sex, spanking, flogging, whipping, pretty much everything that’s in all three books, as far as I can remember. The two leads spend most of the movie running around in the nip.
The sex looks great and is hot and hard, but Christian spends an awful lot of time with his mouth clamped to Ana’s groin, whereas the film-makers don’t allow her to return the favour. Christian doesn’t get so much as a single blowjob anywhere in the trilogy. Surely that would be unusual in any relationship, never mind a dominant-submissive one.
The movie has so much sex in it that I can barely remember there being too many bits of plot in it. But that’s okay, because everyone knows that it’s the sex-and-spanking that’s important here. Ana writhes and bucks and moans at his slightest touch, which must be pretty gratifying for him. She’s practically orgasm-ing while he’s still lowering his strides.
I’ve heard it said that Christian Grey is a rubbish dominant. He only gives Ana seven rather indifferent spanks during the course of the entire trilogy- I said spanks, not spankings- and he does little else besides tickle her tummy with a peacock feather and drizzle some kind of syrup over her nips. She’s such a novice that she probably thinks his actions are well hardcore, innit.
Let’s take a moment to discuss the leads. I don’t like Jamie Dornan, I’m sorry to say. I know he’s a big sex symbol at the moment and has been incredibly successful in drama series THE FALL, but I just don’t dig him in that way. Sexually. You know what I mean.
There’s something just a bit off about his features, to me. Like someone whacked him in the face with a shovel or something and he didn’t bounce back quite right. I know that’s getting a bit personal but it’s all right, I’m a reviewer. We’re allowed to do that.
So much for Jamie Dornan. Dakota Johnson, on the other hand, is a different matter. She’s gorgeous, with a slender body, bright blue eyes and a moist, red mobile mouth, and she’s utterly perfect for the role of unsophisticated Anastasia.
I’m the straightest woman you could ever meet in a month of Sundays, but I could not take my eyes off her for a single second she was on-screen. She’s mesmerising. Mind you, she is acting royalty, after all, seeing that she’s the daughter of Don MIAMI VICE Johnson and Melanie Griffith, and the grand-daughter of Tippi Hedren, one of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘ice-cool blondes’ and star of hugely successful horror film, THE BIRDS.
I just wonder if she’ll ever feel bad or embarrassed about appearing naked in these films and engaging in ‘kinky fuckery’ on the big screen with a heart-throb of the day. Maria Schneider, who starred alongside Marlon Brando in the erotic classic LAST TANGO IN PARIS (1972), was reviled and ridiculed for the role she played, which was that of a docile younger woman to Brando’s heavyweight middle-aged man with an axe to grind with life and death. No doubt she was told to ‘go get the butter’ or was teased about dirty old pigs more times than she cares to remember post-Tango. Let’s hope Dakota Johnson doesn’t encounter any such problems.
Nothing much extra happens in FIFTY SHADES DARKER. More sex, and Ana is working in publishing at a place called Seattle Independent Press. She also discovers that Christian is, in his own words, ‘fifty shades of fucked up,’ because of the two most important women in his life before he met Ana; his mother, who abandoned him to the foster care system when he was a young ‘un, and a sophisticated older friend of his adoptive mother’s- older than him, not his adoptive mother- who made him into her submissive for six years, starting from when he was in his mid-teens. Ana is understandably furious about this sexual predator and scathingly calls her ‘Mrs. Robinson.’ In the film, ‘Mrs. Robinson,’ or Elena Lincoln, is played by a still-hot Kim Basinger.
In FIFTY SHADES FREED, the dominant and his submissive are married and being pursued by someone who has a grudge against Christian Grey. Well, he didn’t get to be a twenty-seven-year-old billionaire by taking care not to tread on other people’s tootsies. The list of suspects is probably as long as your arm.
Oh, and Anastasia is now preggers. Knocked up. With child. On the nest. Pregnant by the king of designer stubble. Does their story have a happy ending? You probably already know by now, so I’ll tell you. Yes. Yes, they do. Any danger of a sequel? I don’t think so, but you never know. So yes, probably, yes, at some point, yes. Lol.
FIFTY SHADES is a terrific old sexy romp of a movie trilogy. Okay, so it ain’t Tolstoy- or Tolkien- but the books are a jolly good read and the films are a good laugh and they’ve brought bondage and other sexy shenanigans into the mainstream where they belong. That can only be a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. I’m tired of so-called literary snobs looking down their noses at FIFTY SHADES. The books and films are t’riffic, so get used to it. Oh, I forgot, you are used to it, on account of the books being twelve years old and counting, lol.
Do the films perpetuate the somewhat dangerous myth that all a woman wants is a rich, dominant bloke who’ll pay for everything as long as he can give her the occasional good hiding into the bargain? Don’t ask me that. I don’t have the answer. Some people think that it does, but my personal jury’s still out on that one.
All I know for now is that I’m a FIFTY SHADES and E.L. James supporter for life and a diehard fan of kinky sex to boot. Now, for the love of puppies, can somebody please tie me up and give me a spanking…? It’s a full-on emergency…
sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris 